You Know Who You Look Like?

I accidentally discovered one of the underrated differences between people who are attractive and people who are not.

I assume that attractive people, when someone says “You know who you look like?” don’t feel their assholes tighten and squeeze tears into their eyes in preparation for what they’re about to hear.

I assume that when people say that to an attractive person, the comparisons are also to attractive people.  They probably don’t hear, “Oh yeah, you look like this complete unknown dump on Facebook.  But the hot version.”

Unattractive people, we hear that phrase and go into a panic.  Because nothing’s worse.  I really don’t have time to spend looking into a mirror to decide how my features compare to, say, a pale zombie of a Jimmy Smits after he lost a couple dozen pounds due to severe bird flu.

So when some teens ran up to me holding an album on CD and said “This guy looks just like you!” time stopped.  I ran through all the possibilities.  Good (the Rico Suave guy), Mediocre (the Rico Suave guy today), and Realistic (something from the insert to a GWAR album).

They showed me.

Now, when I told others about this, before telling them I had them guess which album they thought it was.  Which seemed like a good idea at the time.

The results?

This guy doesn’t look so bad.  Although I think he’s becoming more hideous by the day.  He’s like many of us child stars who got a little too stretched out as we grew.  Especially in the face.

Though I might like to have his talent, and though he has a certain androgynous charm, I just don’t think this is the look for me.  Also, very underrated early mullet here.

Well now I think that was just intended to hurt.  Which, by the way, made me wonder why the hell I’d even done this in the first place.  Just in case the pain of the truth wasn’t enough?  I wanted to really see what it took to break my spirit?

Hmm.  I don’t see it.  But it did send me down a path to wondering how life would be different.

So, you wanna know the answer?

There you go.  Are you happy now?  Is my terrible life entertaining enough?

I mean, I guess there’s worse.  But mostly it’s saying, You, sir, are the principal of Giant Head Land Academy.  Here is your scepter and oversized crown.

Oh well.  At least he gets a lot of babes.