Haha, Toaster. That's a good one. You don't own a toaster? Get a load of Richard Branson over here, thinking he had access to a machine with hot coils on the side that turns bread into warm bread. I think it's [[Eat A Wad Of Peanut Butter From A Spoon]] for you, buddy.

Alright, breakfast time. It's the most important cereal meal of the day, way ahead of night time cereal and just edging out mid-day Count Chocula meal.\n\nSo, how do you want to start the day? \n\n[[Throw Some Toast In The Toaster]]\n\n[[Eat A Wad Of Peanut Butter From A Spoon]]

Look at you! Mr. Responsible. Let me assure you, everyone is REAL impressed that you actually managed to haul your carcass out of bed. What a hero. What a fucking hero. It's people like you who really make the world turn, you know that? One day, long after you're dead in the ground, people will really remember how you were pretty good about putting your feet on the floor and getting the day rolling. That's really something to shoot for in life. I, for one, am filled with such an impressed feeling right now that I'm truly just bursting with pride for you. \n\nWell, Mr. CEO, Mr. All-Business, do you want to [[Head To The Shower]] or would you rather [[Head To The Kitchen]]?

You elect to use the toilet. Like an idiot.\n\nThe second you see the toilet, you have to shit. Maybe if you'd avoided the toilet you wouldn't have triggered the fecal center of your brain.\n\nNow you're nude, wet, and shitting. You're dreading wiping yourself while wet. This can only end in disaster.\n\nI'm sorry, but this is a critical error. You can go back to [[Head To The Shower]] at this point, but really there's no moving forward from here.

You're a realist, so you figure you might as well fuel a fantasy with someone that you've actually met in real life at least one time. What the hell, right?\n\nYou start scrolling through your friends, but the more you scroll, the more you realize what a waste of time and effort this is. Nobody posts scandalous pics on Facebook anymore. It's a wasteland. The last thing you can remember enjoying on Facebook was someone who posted a picture of Mutagen Man, and that's only because you had forgotten about Mutagen Man. And being a brain in a weird containment suit with ripped, dintinctly-male arms, it was quite the feat to actually masturbate to Mutagen Man's picture. You're a professional, you did it, but it's not really something you want to make a habit of.\n\nThis isn't working. None of this is working. Do you\n\nGive up on beating your sullen penis and [[Get Up]]\nOr would you prefer to reevaluate your old decisions and [[Skip Straight To Your Favorite Video Clip Site]] ?

You slept more. This was a rare good decision as sleep is one of the only things you enjoy whatsoever. However, you had a dream. A sex dream. Well, almost a sex dream. You dreamt about almost having sex, but then you remembered that you have a girlfriend. Even though it was a dream and you could have enjoyed guilt-free dream sex, you were unable to because you are less a man and more a pile of secrets and guilt. So instead of sex you redirected the dream so that you and a faceless dream sex lady had a brief discussion about the relative merits of different brands of cheese singles.\n\nWith that wrapped up, you can\n\n[[Get Up]]\n[[Check Facebook On Your Phone]]\n[[Fiddle With Your Junk Aimlessly For A While]]\n\nThe power is yours!

Ah, that's the ticket.\n\nLet's see...Old Lady clip...Grandmas clip...Grandma seduces pizza man...Grandma seduces pizza man/grandson threesome...What the hell? It seems that during the night, someone posted a slew of garbage. This is not the normal fare you expect. No. This is...this is outrageous. This is not the art you've come to expect. Why, this is PORNOGRAPHY! And not the good kind. It's all old ladies! And not the good kind! The old, old kind. The ones where you can only really wonder how a lady this old somehow fell into the pornographic rabbit hole at her age. Even during the sex, you have to wonder if her pelvis is on the verge of total breakdown.\n\nUgh. Enough of that. Smoothe move, store brand of laxative!\n\nWell, what's it gonna be now?\n\n[[Get Up]]?

You wake up hungover and miserable as the day is long. Your mouth is dry, your brain is dry. Everything is about dryness and misery. If someone greeted you with a Good Morning you might be forced to end your own life.\n\nYour brain gives you two options:\n\n[[Sleep More]]\n[[Check Facebook On Your Phone]]

You disgust me, and more importantly, you digust yourself. But in just the right way.\n\nIt's time to get serious about rubbing this one out. But how serious? Because let's face it, sometimes you need to romance yourself a little. If you go straight from thinking vaguely about sex to watching a 40 minute clip of a woman in a bath tub allowing a squid to crawl into parts of her that could be considered vaguely cavernous, you will hit the wall immediately.\n\nDo you want to [[Troll Facebook A Bit Longer]]?\n\nOr you could [[Skip Straight To Your Favorite Video Clip Site]]

What a mistake! You see a picture of a hideous couple and their ugly baby. Everyone is so grotesque and unattractive, regardless of their age, gender, or attempts to grow facial hair (which also seems to be a non-gender-specific pursuit). Oh christ, then there's a news story about a police officer who shot a dog. Many people you know on Facebook are outraged by this for unclear reasons. Looking at Facebook has exhausted you emotionally before even getting out of bed. Smoothe move, EX-LAX!\n\nWell, let's get this day rolling. You could\n[[Get Up]]\nBut maybe in your brief Facebook foray you ALSO saw a picture with some accidental wardrobe malfunction. Maybe you decide to\n[[Fiddle With Your Junk Aimlessly For A While]]\n

Good Morning, You Piece of Shit

Breakfast of champions. Whatever the hell that means. Why does everyone say that like it's so funny when they're eating a donut? Champions DO eat donuts because they earn them. Losers also eat donuts, but mostly to fill the void.\n\nAnyway, you eat the peanut butter off the spoon and then throw the damn thing in the sink. \n\nGood morning. You did it. Welcome to this life.

Good call. You smell like a swamp that's growing inside God's butt. It's nothing to be concerned about. Just the unexplained night sweats and the fact that whenever you pee it seems like there's still a tenth of an ounce somewhere in there that never makes it into the toilet and only emerges when you have your light khaki pants on.\n\nYou get in the shower on and fiddle with the faucet for about 40 minutes before finding the right temperature. \n\nAlas, you're broken from your reverie of showering and softly singing Smashmouth's "All-Star" to yourself when you realize you have to pee.\n\nFuck it, [[Pee In The Shower]]\n\nAh, shit, [[Use The Toilet]]

Yes. Yes InDEED. You are really taking this day by storm. No stupid social mores are going o determine where you sling urine! No way in hell, Buster Brown!\n\nYou briefly wonder where you came up with Buster Brown. Then you think how that would make a great name for a rapper. Then you think how when you have to take a crap you'd like to start calling it "Bustin' a Brown." \n\nTruly, one of your more productive showers. \n\nShall we get out, towel off inadequately and [[Head To The Kitchen]]?\n\n

Helpfulsnowman