The way things are going, we are all going to be victims of viral video at some point. Who would have thought that activities so innocent as getting your kid all fucked up on dentist drugs would make him into a star?
When your time comes up, take it like a man. Not like this lady:
Okay, so she fell into a fountain while texting. I’d say she got a little of what she deserved, move on. But I guess she disagrees. Her tactic is to instead draw attention to herself by being on the news, saying she’s going to sue because nobody helped her up or there’s no guard rail or whatever.
As far as a guard rail goes, fuck off. You were walking in a mall, not a sawmill. Every bench-height object shouldn’t need a guardrail around it. You’d have to put a guard rail round everything. AND, what happens when this dopey bitch walks into a guard rail? Lots of perfectly good views have been ruined by guardrails, like the Grand Canyon and my grandma’s bathroom.
And if you can’t see a goddamn fountain in front of you, you’re fucked. What other object should trip more of your senses. It makes noise, it reflects light in all sorts of ways, the water usually smells like ass, and the temperature near a fountain is always a couple degrees lower (look it up!).
To put it better, I want to live in this world:
Not this one:
Fuck that shit. Enjoy the bottom bunk the rest of your lives, idiots.
The other thing is the whole suing the security guards for not helping her bit, which is pretty much equally insane. What the fuck were they supposed to do, come charging out of their shitty little office and chase you through the mall to make sure everything was fine? Nothing I want more than to trip on the sidewalk and have a cop car come screeching around the corner five minutes later, sirens blaring, just to make sure I’m doing okay. But then again, I’m not an attention-seeking nitwit. I seek positive attention, like the kind you get from making fun of dorks on the internet, or probably serving bad soup at a shithole to bums someday, maybe.
Oh, by the way, have fun suing the shit out of mall security guards. Take them for all they’re worth. I’d say push for the maximum and in addition to taking all their money you can make them tell you which snack machine gives out two bags of Fritos instead of one.
I just can’t stand this lady crying on TV, where she told her story and then they played the clip seven times in a row. Remember Antoine, that guy who was made into the Bed Intruder song? That guy’s sister was almost goddamn raped, and somehow we managed to turn it into the biggest laugh of the decade. His sister almost had a penis forced inside her, and yet somehow you’re upset for not watching where the fuck you’re going. Kill yourself. No wait. Set up a web cam, fuck it up, and post the video.