Harry: Dad, I just found a stone that gives you life forever and stopped an evil wizard!
Dad Potter: That’s really great, son. Just remember who worked really hard in the depths of that horrible bank that’s like a bunch of Indiana Jones tunnels to pay for that fancy education you’re getting. Me, in case you forgot. God, I miss your mother. Oh god…
~
Harry: Dad! It’s good to see you! I just had another amazing adventure at Hogwart’s. Plus, I’m a pretty good Quidditch player now.
Dad Potter: Ah, I remember Quidditch. I was pretty good too, you know. You get a lot more babes playing Quidditch than you do making potions, you know. Well, except the horny potions. Just stay away from golddiggers, son. They’ll ruin you.
~
Harry: Dad, I met the most wonderful girl, you remember Ron’s younger sister?
Dad Potter: Holy shit. Are you kidding me? A poor family, red hair, and twins in the genes. Can’t you just fuck, what’s his name, Darby? Son, let me tell you something important about girls: No girls.
Girls today are bad. Go over to the bookshelf and get down those yearbooks, I’ll show you some girls, some goddamn WOMEN! I marked the pages with old popsicle sticks so we could find them fast.
~
Harry: Dad, I did it. I killed Voldemort. It’s over. The world is safe again.
Dad Potter: Hey, fantastic. Because god forbid that I don’t go to my same, shitty job tomorrow and just die in some kind of black cloud while I’m drunk sleeping. Way to go, son. You should be proud of yourself for murdering a person, sort of exactly what happened to your mother, who I still miss every day. Do you know that? Do you know that sometimes I wake up and think she’s still here and that this was all a dream, and then I figure out that I’m spooning a pillow and haven’t touched another human being in seven years? It’s fucked up. But thanks to you, it all goes on, huh?