In-Person:
Good day to you. And how are you this fine day?
(Greeting, question. Makes sense.)
Once Mail Was Invented:
Dear Sir,
How are you? I hope this letter finds you well.
(Okay, the greeting is fine, but the practice of writing questions in a letter is insane. Somehow we never figured out that you can’t just write a letter the same way that you talk to another human. It’s a one-way conversation, so just accept it, steer it, own it.)
Once the Postcard Was Invented:
Dear Friend,
Here is a bunch of shit about me for everyone to read!
(I think that postcards were invented by the Post Office as a way to spice up the day and get into other people’s business without actually opening the envelopes. I wonder if there are any laws about how obscene you can be in a post card…)
Once the Telephone was Invented:
Hello?
Hi, is Frank there?
(Again, we never really figured out a good way to handle the landline. Because it could be any of a number of people answering, you always had to be a detective and figure out who the fuck you were talking to, and meanwhile the person you’re talking to is wondering why you, currently a mysterious stranger on the other end of the phone, is so goddamn nosy.)
Once Email Gained Popularity:
Hi,
Hey man, what’s up?
(We figured out a faster way of doing the same dumb shit we were doing in letters. So while we were still complete idiots, we were much faster at being idiots. Great.)
Once Cell Phones Became Big:
Hello?
Hey man, what’s up?
I’m actually about to go inside a funeral, so it’s not a good time to talk.
(Yeah, my favorite. Not only do we carry phones into places where we could not possibly receive a call that needs answering (movies, formal events, etc.) but then we also feel the need to let everyone know that we can’t do what we are doing right now, which is answer the phone. Listen, when you don’t answer the phone I will assume that you did not want to or were unable to, and either way, that’s fine. Also, the reason that phones were in certain places and not other certain places was because there are good and bad places to talk on the phone. The kitchen at your mom’s house = good. In your imcompetant hand, slowing you as you walk into parking lot traffic in front of a Cold Stone = bad.)
Once Texting Won the Day:
What r u doing 2nit?
(I’m not a grammar nazi or anything, but fuck that shit. Why don’t we all just send messages like, “[picture of an eyeball] m [picture of a goat] –t +ing shopping!”)