Please enjoy the following news story:

Tracking bracelet worn by lost autistic Aurora boy malfunctioned

AURORA — An 11-year-old autistic boy, who police believe left his home through a second story window Sunday night, was found safe early this morning.

Aurora police and Citizen Emergency Response Team volunteers searched for Brandon Wells, who they say is non-verbal, from the time he was reported missing from his home near East Hampden Avenue and South Picadilly Street around 9:30 p.m., until he was found safe about 4 a.m. in open space near his home.

At a press conference this afternoon, Aurora fire officials said the boy was wearing a Life Trak device by Care Trak Systems, but it was not working properly.

“There may have been some damage to the battery,” Aurora fire official Matt Chapman said.

This is he second time the tracking device failed when Brandon left his home while wearing it. On May 28, the device also had what appears to be a battery problem, Aurora police spokeswoman Cassidee Carlson said.

The boy was found quickly and was issued a new battery.

His mother, Mariana Wells, was charged in Adams County District Court with child neglect after that incident, Carlson said.

Aurora fire officials recommend that parents test the batteries in the tracking device at least once daily.

The Colorado Life Trak program was implemented in Aurora a year ago. Police said 14 people use the device and Brandon’s is the first reported failure.

It was the second time in two weeks that an autistic child who had a tracking device on went missing in the Denver area. The body of Kristina Vlassenko, 10, was found in water at an Arvada construction site.

Police did not receive a signal in the Arvada case, either. Care Trak Systems officials said the device was working properly, but murky water where police found the girl’s body blocked the transmission.

Okay, are we all clear?

Can someone tell me how this story is about tracking bracelets and not the fact that Autistic kids are apparently sneaking out of their homes in the night?

I mean, thank goodness the boy was issued a new battery.  That should solve the problem.  It’s cool that he dives face-first out of a second story window to go smash frogs by the creek in the dead of night, just so long as we can locate him when we need him.

And really, how does it work that we hear about ANOTHER malfunction which had something to do with murky water and there’s just the slightest mention of the fact that the tracker was attached to an Autistic corpse?

By the way, these trackers have failed before.  One was found attached to a mutilated body part of an autistic girl.  The tracker was not functioning properly.  WAY TO NAIL THE STORY!

Am I the only one concerned that this is happening so often that we have people wearing tracking bracelets?  And if I’m buying my kid a tracking bracelet, I would think half the point would be that it worked in murky water because chances are that’s where you’ll find the fucker when he doesn’t come home.

How far from home does the kid have to be before the bracelet goes off or sends a signal somewhere?  Because if this 10 year-old made her way to a construction site and drowned, it doesn’t really matter if the bracelet then began to work, would it?

Also, I’m sure it’s because the battery failed twice in a row, not because these trackers are shitty pieces of shit.  Just a tip: When the device fails to engage the battery and draw power from it, that is because the device is broken, dum-dums.

The good news is that I can’t possibly imagine why someone would want to take this thing off:

Wow, stylish. As you can see by the guy holding it, the flesh-colored band makes it nearly invisible.

Is there a fucking reason in the world that this can’t be disguised as a watch?  One fucking reason?  At least that way the kid would have a fighting chance to not be immediately recognized as having something weird going on.  Jesus Christ, that thing looks like a hospital bracelet fucked that little pop-o-matic bubble from the Trouble board game.

Apparently 14 people are using these and nobody reported a failure, but could that be because they have never checked?  The firemen, these assholes, go with the classic “Check the batteries every day.”  Yeah, just like you recommend for my smoke alarm.  The one that’s gone off 900 times when I was cooking a steak and not once for an actual fire of notable danger.  If it were up to them, I’d be checking batteries all goddamn night.