9: Fine.
8: Maybe a little rough getting started, but nothing serious.
7: Stringy. Smell and shape reminiscent of brown Funyuns.
6: Lots of effort to push out one tiny, extremely dense pebble.
5: 4 dumps in 24 hours.
4: 24 dumps in 4 hours.
3: Just like I want an interested woman to be: Hot and insistent.
2: Afterwards, it will seem as though the entirety of my ass cheeks are coated in sloppy shit.
1: The type of thing that gives credence to the idea of disposable toilet bowls.