“Okay, the premise of this book might sound a little cheesy. Let’s face it, we live in a world where some dopey 4 year-old gets brainwashed by his even dopier dad regarding his experience in heaven, and all of a sudden we’ve got a runaway bestseller. Or some jackoff gets hit by an 18-wheeler and then lets us know what heaven is like, and we decide to buy that one too.
It seems a little odd to me that the only people who seem to glimpse heaven are those who have lost 90% of their vital fluids or haven’t been breathing for the last couple hours. I mean, I get less than 9 hours of sleep in a night and I have all kinds of side effects, but you don’t see me writing a book about them. Granted, a book about having to crap twice as frequently and getting inexplicable midday boners might not be a page-turner, but goddamnit at least it’s honest.
What In God’s Name is about some angels who have a few days to make a miracle happen, otherwise God is planning to destroy the Earth. Mostly because he’s kind of over it, but also because he’s moved on to the idea of running a really kickass Asian-Fusion restaurant.
This book probably contains my favorite portrayal of God ever. Not only because he spends an inordinate amount of resources getting Lynyrd Skynyrd back together, a project that, if successful, would definitely go a long way towards proving the existence of this Free-Bird-Loving Atheist. He’s not malicious. He just sort of seems like the upper-upper boss of most big companies, fairly detached from the day-to-day in a way that’s sort of shocking but also HAS to be the only way his existence makes any sense whatsoever.
The book reads like a romcom that, if made into a movie, I could handle. The characters aren’t overly attractive so much as they are compatible, the funny parts are actually funny and not based on some ridiculous machinations that result a father in law walking in on a guy who is trying to feed a dog worm medicine, but when the father-in-law walks in it somehow looks like the guy is fucking the dog. And there are even a couple nice moments.
In fact, this would make an excellent movie. However, I would like to make a short list of actors I’d like to ban from participating in any major roles:
Katherine Heigl: Enough already. I’ll admit, I was fooled by her…assets. By which I mean boobsets. But no more. I’ve grown up.
Reese Witherspoon: The prettier but unfunny Amy Poehler? No thanks.
Gerard Butler: The more shitty movies this guy makes, the harder it is for me to enjoy the homoeroticism of 300 in a completely hetero way.
Bradley Cooper: I like how he did a movie about doing a drug that made him a better person in every way. That’s the guy who needs it, the one who’s going from a 9.8 to a 9.9.
Sandra Bullock: Am I the only one who remembers the Net? Fondly?
Jennifer Aniston: I blame her for the stupid fliptop on Smart Water. That thing is dumb. I don’t want to drink from a baby bottle. I want to drink from an adult bottle, which is made of glass and usable as a stabbing implement in a pinch.
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