Hi, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory. Have you ever been here before?
Uh, no.
Great! Okay, first things first, we are not any kind of factory whatsoever. We don’t manufacture anything. In fact, this building isn’t even a FORMER factory. All Cheesecake Factory buildings are built inside old places where serial murderers hung up a bunch of weird news articles and thought about who was next.
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And is this your first time visiting us at TGI Friday’s?
It is.
Well then. Um, have you been to a restaurant before, the kind where you sit down and look at some papers where they write down all the eating stuff? And then you get that stuff and eat it and then leave some money behind? Because this place is a lot like this except a little too dark and don’t eat that burger with the fried cheese on top.
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Have you been to Chili’s before?
Well, actually I-
Haha, nevermind. You’re sitting here, right? What motherfucker is coming here twice?
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Good evening! I’m Ashley and I’ll be your server. Have you been to a Hooters before?
I can’t say as I have.
Well, we do things a little different here. For one, these are my legs. Second, here are my boobs. That pretty much wraps up what’s different. So…just go ahead and let me know what food you’d like. Oh, and for an extra 20% we can change the charge on your card to “World Wildlife Foundation” instead of “Hooters.”
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G’day and welcome to the Outback Steakhouse. Have you been down under before?
Haha, it’s my first time.
Crikey! Eh, well, imagine Crocodile Dundee but more centered around steak and fried onions. Also, when you go to the bathroom, the one that says “Sheilas” is the one for girls. We’ve got a big lawsuit coming on that one.