My bank decided to go ahead and change their mobile banking app.
Before you ask, No, I sure as hell, sure as shit, sure as FUCK don’t have enough money to really warrant a banking app. I don’t honestly have the kind of cash that justifies ownership of a phone that can accommodate apps.
The reason I use it is because you can do a mobile check deposit. Which saves me a trip to the bank. Which saves me chatting with someone who is so bored because all they have to do is look at you while you walk through their weird maze.
But this new one, it forces me to hold still while it takes a picture of a check. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hold still enough. I’m not on drugs. I swear. I threatened to drug someone the other day, and all I could come up with was Aleve. It’s almost a whole bottle, but I still don’t know if that even counts as drugging someone. So it’s not drug shakes.
It could be excitement shakes. Let’s face it, $25 isn’t an everyday occurrence for me. Maybe someday. Maybe someday.
I feel like this is a scheme to get me back in the bank. Or to buy a tripod. But come on. Am I supposed to set up a fucking lightbox, get out my light meter, maybe put some makeup on my check before snapping a picture?
I just need to figure out when I’m calmest. Maybe first thing in the morning. Right after I pee. The time when, while waiting to see if the pee will then crescendo into the need to crap, I consider whether today is the day to just get back in bed and see how long it takes for that to have consequences.
Bank, I just want you to know that this is what you’ve created. I used to take those pictures with happiness. Now? Pre-poo doldrums.