Hi, I’m Pete, and today I’m going to be your guide to this wonderful palace of artistic treasures! C’mon, art awaits! Follow me!
We’re going to head down this hallway. First stop is our Doughy Pale Topless Ladies wing. This wing was donated by some people who are extremely rich and wanted the poor, such as yourselves, to appreciate the sorts of things that hang in the hotels where they stay.
Notice the giantness of this painting. Isn’t it fucking huge? I mean, wow. I never would know that it was that big from books because books are less big than art most of the times. See, what they do is shrink the art to fit it in the book. Instead of making the books bigger for the art.
Alright, moving on!
Before we get to our next area, Weird Old Chinese Scrolls Hanging in Semi-Darkness: the Wing, I wanted to ask if we have any couples on a date today?
You guys? You’re on a date? Haha, whoa. Okay, good luck with that, buddy. I usually take MY dates to places where they have food. To eat. And appetizers. To eat. And drinks. To make tolerating sex easier for our bodies. But you know what? You do your thing, friend.
Here in the hall, note the elderly man of color dressed as a stripper policeman sleeping against the wall. That’s what we call a Docent. Or, as I call them, Doze-ents. Because they’re always dozing against the wall. It turns out that you probably don’t need old people to stand around and tell people not to touch paintings in an art museum where people paid 20 bucks to get in. Although it’s cheaper if you’re a student. You guys see that bullshit? Because they need to have that spending money for shirts with huge outlined letters that look like they’re made of carpet on the front?
Anyway, I guess this is a good time to tell you all about our museum memberships. It really helps support these all white walls and the shit that hangs on them. For the cost of 75 or so museum visits you get a one-year membership, so all you have to do is come a couple times a week and then it’s like WE’RE getting screwed, you know? Haha!
Alright, now we’re entering the wing with very coarse, jarring modern art that makes people mad about the fact that art school exists. I gotta wait outside. I drank one of every kind of energy drink they had at Walgreens and if I go in this room I’m going to lose my fucking mind. But I’ll be just outside on the other end, wherever the hell that is. Don’t get confused by the staircase that goes to fucking nowhere. I don’t know what the point of it is, but whatever.
I’ll be waiting in front of the room of Boring Shit Pottery Wing, on the patio overlook, or as I like to call it, the Pete Memorial Look Down Shirts Wing.