A few weeks ago the gym I visit was closed in order to clean the pools and do some other shit. Which should be comforting except when one considers that I could probably clean my bath tub on a bi-weekly basis, and that’s used by one man. So a pool with the filth of the world bobbing and basketballing in it day in and day out?
Because it was closed I decided to take the opportunity to visit some rec centers in surrounding areas. They’re all about the same, although they did have some terrible shower features.
The first, nothing new, is the type where you enter a huge room. You are now in the shower. There is no such thing as not being in this room and seeing into it.
The shower heads are all on a stalk that comes out of the floor. This is really nice because it means you can be directly facing a strange man while you both shower. Ever wonder how much time a heavy older fellow spends lathering his scrotal sack? Well, wonder no more.
There was another setup that involved using a faucet you had to press every 30 seconds. While it was down, water came out for half a minute, enough to get some good soap right in your eyes, and then it would pop out and the water would stop, meaning you were wet and cold and fumbling for a knob to press in a strange environment. Under the right circumstances, a potential great, sexy evening. But again, huge ball sacks covered in Lever 2000. So no thanks.
It got me thinking. What are some worse possible shower setups? Because at first I really didn’t think there were worse ideas. But then, of course, there were.
PrototypeA: The Darkness
This is a shower where all the washing happens in complete darkness. The idea is that you wouldn’t have to be self-conscious about seeing anyone. The downside, however, is that in order to make your way into the shower you’d have to put your hand on the wall and start walking until you felt someone there. Not an enticing setup for either the toucher or the touchee. As a slight variation on the theme, a room with a single, dim, flickering fluorescent light that only serves to make you sure that you’re terrified.
PrototypeB: Pumped
In this green shower, the water would be pumped from a reservoir by the person taking the shower. Simply grab the phallus on the wall, one or two-handed, and start pumping away. Should be a nice way to get our building certified green, no?
PrototypeC: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
Giant tub surround is put into shower room, creating a large bath tub. All men get in together for a 5-minute session, following indicator lights that tell which part of the washing cycle they should be on (pre-rinse, soap, soap scrotum, and so on). There is also a large agitator in the center of the room to keep the water flowing and making sure it’s a nice, uniform grey sludge by the end.
And actually, at that point I ran out of ways to make this experience worse. Because really, there are only a few ways to intentionally make it worse at this point.