Okay, just in case you can’t tell what’s going on here, this is a metal flask wrapped in a plastic bag. Printed on the plastic bag is a warning that you should keep said plastic bag away from babies and children because they might choke themselves.
This whole thing is idiotic. First of all, what the fuck is a little kid doing with a flask? And why not put messages on goddamn everything, like why doesn’t every bottle have a message like, “This goddamn bottle could break and cut the holy hell out of you.” I think I’m at a point in my life where bottles are much more of a real danger than bags.
It also has instructions inside. I don’t know why I read them other than to piss myself right off. How hard could it be? Fill it, drink it, fill it, drink it, punch, cry, fill, run, puke, run, drink it, wake up in an unfamiliar ditch.
Here’s my favorite of the directions:
“[the flask] should not be used for beverages with a high acid content, such as fruit juices or cordials.”
Fruit juices. So there are motherfuckers out there who feel the need to carry around 5 ounces of OJ? Who and why? I don’t know what happens to fruit juices in a metal flask, but fuck anyone who decides to do that. They deserve whatever they get.
Or maybe this is yet another piece of proof that flasks are not just for adults anymore. So remember kids, skip your acid-y fruit juices and go straight for Kool-Aid, Chocolate Milke, and Dickel Whiskey. Dickel: The Whiskey of America’s Playgrounds.