The other night I was thinking how I might like a walking staff to help me to the bathroom at night. You know, those times you get up, it’s dark, and you hobble across the floor.
For some reason you’re 100 years old when you take that walk to the bathroom at night.
Someone was kind enough to pass me a book of canes. EXOTIC canes, collectible canes. It’s all here.
Well, not arguably the most famous cane, the mosquito-topped jobber from Jurassic Park. Nonetheless, some great possibilities…
This is a great one for the man who always kind of wanted a beautiful wife, kind of always wanted to fuck a garden slug.
Remember when we used to do things like tear the SPINES from animals and then use them to support a limp? People used to be real strong.
At least I could see putting a hand on this one. This is really like the old timey-est porn I’ve ever seen. A leg with stockings tucked into a boot. It’s BARELY dressed!
If you want to have some fun, guess what race this was meant to be in the days when we could be SO racist that it almost didn’t make sense.
Give up?
This was labeled “Chinaman.” Yes, this is a man from China somehow.
Delightful.
I can think of nothing I’d rather rest my hands on, be immediately frightened by, and then fall over in fear.
This has a nutcracker built in! So now the most useful thing you can have around the house at Christmas can also be at your beck and call at all times.
Cigarette holder. Can I make a couple suggestions of other cigarette holders? Right hand. Left hand. Face. That’s all the cigarette holders you need.
This is a handy measuring tape for the coffin maker. Which comes in handy because a lot of coffin makers throw out a hip fucking all those corpses. Seriously, the guy can’t carry a ruler? Or EYEBALL it? I think a few extra inches would be just fine. The guy’s dead.
Hidden camera cane. And the birth of the upskirt.
Sun dial cane. Hey, here’s an idea. Instead of learning how to use this goddamn thing, how about you just learn to estimate based on the sun’s height? How did the sundial even get made?
Cane sword. Now we’re talking. NOW who’s a cripple? Well, still me, but as I hobble after you with my sword, all off balance because it used to be my cane, we’ll see who’s the cripple. Still me. Still me.
I have it in my head that the only purpose of phrenology was for crazy doctors to prove that black people were not smart. Is that true, or was it just shitty science all around?