It’s great to see so many faces here in adult swim. LOWER-CASE adult swim, the time when adults participate in the act of swimming, not the famously litigious block of television shows that are all either animated or have John C. Reilly in them.
Let’s just go around the room and talk a little bit about who we are and what your swimming experience is like.
“Greetings. I’m Simon Belmont of the Castlevania Belmonts. Not sure if Castlevania is the name of our country or just the franchise, but anyhoo, I’ve killed vampires, mummies, Frankensteins, pairs of mummies, bats that may or may not have been vampires or just really big asshole bats. And despite all that, I can’t swim. Not an inch. I hit the water, I’m going down, baby.”
Excellent. Well, hopefully we’ll be able to help you make some progress. You, sir?
“Uh, hi. I’m Sonic. I’m a great athlete. Pretty much unlimited stamina, if you get me. Uh, if you don’t, I mean I can run VERY far, VERY fast. I wasn’t talking about a sex thing. Sex is kinda depressing because, as a hedgehog, I’m pretty likely to kill my own young. But, uh, I’m here because whenever I encounter water, I kind of just continue to walk at the bottom of whatever body of water and hope to live off air bubbles. I probably don’t have to explain why that’s a problem. But I will. It’s a problem because it’s going to cause me to die.”
Great. Welcome, Sonic. Next?
“Ach. I’m Scrooge McDuck. I don’t encounter much water. But when I dae, deep in the Amazon underground, I drown straightaway. What really blows me bagpipes about eht, I c’n swim in me money bin all dae. But soon as I get near the water, I lose all me swim skills. I dinnae understan.”
Thank you. For that tale with that very inconsistent accent. And you?
“Yes. Well, this is quite embarrassing. My name is Donatello, and I’m here representing my dudebro dudes, who are also, like myself, totally radical ninja turtles. We’re TURTLES, okay? And we can’t swim. The water is totally gnarly and shit.”
Wow. That’s just pathetic. Okay, we have a lot of work to do, so let’s get started.
Lesson one. You can see the small tubs of water under the bench you’re all sitting on. I want you to pull one forward and simply place your feet in it. Notice how the water doesn’t harm you simply by coming into contact with your skin. Just relax. Your body is like a million percent water or something. Really, just by sitting here…