Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that I might be a little greasy. I was kind of making some bacon on the stove earlier without pants on. Thighs for sure. Tip of the penis where it was hanging just out of the shirt I was wearing at the time while not wearing pants? That too.
Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that if your phone rings or beeps or anythings during this, all I’ll be thinking about is how long after you’ll wait before checking it.
Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that I kind of rearranged the pillows so the one I sleep on was buried, so I might make a weird pillow shuffle move to make sure you’re not sleeping on the gross one at some point.
Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that I’ll probably try and fill the silence with a joke while I’m opening the condom. It’s not going to work at all. I am used to this.
Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that if I think about someone else while we’re together, I’ll be sure to make sure it’s someone I respect less than you. So that’s something, huh?
Um, before we get started, I just thought you should know that sometimes I get sweaty. I tried to make a hole in the wall and just put my penis through that as a barrier. But I’m told that’s worse anyway. I DO have a hole saw if you decide this is a good idea.