Because it has been far too long of me sleeping in the same bed, and because nobody should sleep in the same bed he slept in when he had his confusing first boner scare, I decided to try out a number of different beds.
Bunk Beds:
The really great thing about bunk beds is that they give you the opportunity to hit your head on the ceiling, and they also come with a second, shorter ceiling that you can also hit your head on. These really are designed to maximize the ways you can be hurt by sleeping. Want to start your day off with an uncontrolled 7-foot fall? This is the solution for you. Want to give up on every sexual position other than missionary, assuming you can somehow convince someone that it’s okay to fuck on a bunk bed? Bunk beds it is.
For me, though, bunk beds are not ideal. The ladder situation is a really good way to combine the shittiness of cleaning gutters with the unease of waking up inside a coffin. And sleeping on the bottom is worse because then when your older brother comes to visit, he automatically assumes that he gets top bunk.
Race Car Bed:
Lots of people make fun of the race car bed. Probably because it makes no fucking sense. Are there any two activities further apart than sleeping and racing around a track at 150 MPH? I guess you could sleep if you were the passenger, but I don’t really want to invite those mustachioed, smoked-shades-wearing, single-zipper-outfit-wearing Nascar guys into my bed to recreate that experience.
I wonder how race car drivers feel about those kinds of beds. I mean, that’s their job. It would be like me sleeping in an office chair with my head down on a special sleep desk.
As a kid who grew up constantly afraid that I might be accidentally blasted into space on space simulator rides, or that the pilots of 747’s might just decide to do a couple loops while cruising 50,000 feet over Indiana, a race car bed is just not my speed.
Nest of Blankets on the Floor:
The pro is that this is super easy to maintain. Just take all the blankets in your house, pile them up in a corner, and go to town. Towels also make pretty decent blankets. I’m not sure there’s actually ANY difference other than the fact that towels are good at absorbing night terror sweat.
The con is that you will never show someone your room with a blanket pile and have them not ask, Where is your bed? And when you tell them you sleep in a nest of blankets on the floor, and that it’s really great, they expect you to follow it by saying that you also cocoon every ten years, after which you emerge and must consume 5 human livers in order to continue living another ten years.
Hammock:
I can’t even confidently fuck on a flat, planar surface.