“It’s been a little while since we saw you last.”
I’m taking a pretty boss vacation in a couple weeks. I could use some cash. There is a swim-up bar, and I want to give them gross wet bills.
*
“Let’s check your height and weight.”
Let’s kill some time doing something that you can easily do at home. Somehow I think if you shrank 8 inches in the last month you would have come in for THAT instead of whatever you decided on.
*
“What seems to be bothering you today?”
I didn’t go to medical school to read some idiot’s folder, or ask the lady who makes the appointments what’s up, or the nurse who you started out with today.
*
“Okay, I’m going to use this tongue depressor. You might feel a little discomfort.”
You ever deep-throat a starter log?
*
“I see you need a shot. Let’s go ahead get that taken care of.”
I got a whole jar of tetanus shit that’s going to expire in a couple weeks here, so I gotta use up some of that just to break even.
*
“You might feel a little pressure.”
I’ve never seen one of these go in and come out the other side, but that would be rad as hell.
*
“Okay, let me feel your spine.”
I don’t know what a fucked up spine would feel like through skin and muscles and fat and stuff, but what the hell?
*
“Take a deep breath for me.”
I can’t believe nobody has figured out that there’s just ocean sound in these headphones.
*
“Looks like an infection. I’ll go ahead and prescribe you a light antibiotic.”
I’ll give you a handwritten piece of paper for some genius at the pharmacy. Half their education is in forgery and fraud, right?
*
“Remember, lots of rest and fluids.”
That’s my answer for everything. Just so long as the rest is a shitload and the fluids are medicines.
*
“Next, patient please, nurse.”
Is no one ever going to ask me what the fuck this shiny disc headband thing is?