Did you know that today is America?
I would like to present the two ways in which fireworks can be enjoyed:
1. At a Professional Show aka The Wrong Way
Way number one is to take your shittiest blanket and spread it out at a park, sitting through the worst parts of a summer day which include the very hottest part of the day when the sun punishes you for having the audacity to leave your home, and the time at which bugs remember that they are alive, as they do daily, and that their one joy in life is to fly around your head, land on you, and so on.
If only we could communicate with bugs. I would happily donate blood every year that we could offer to the bugs, that way they could leave us alone. But they are too stupid for that simple negotiation, which is why they should die.
Then, what feels like 17 hours after it should have started, fireworks start. They pretty much suck for 10 minutes, then do a finale, which is good, and then it’s over and everyone packs up, leaving behind only their footsteps and 2-liters of pop that are brimming with tobacco spit.
2: Smaller, Amateur Fireworks Done Dangerously aka The Right Way.
Alright, you don’t have access to all that major shit. But it’s okay, don’t panic.
What you do have is a driveway, a bunch of fireworks, the opportunity to fool around with lighters, and ingenuity.
For example, do any of these “professionals” tie together 50% of their fireworks to make a super firework? Of course they don’t. Because they are assholes and against your fun.
And what about the thrill? When you hold a lighter up to that crazy green wick, you don’t know how fast it’s going to be. You never know. You guess, and it’s always faster. The thing starts sparking and right then it occurs to you that you’re sitting cross-legged and have to roll away so you can run.
Today is America, and America is about doing what you want to do, no matter how many queens tell you no. I would write something about not making a gay joke, taking the word “queens” for a different meaning, but you know what? Today is America. So do what you want.