1. Science, you have one year to make som kind of significant progress on breast cancer. I can’t stand these terrible fun runs, parades, and versions of my products with pink ribbons on the side. I think we’ve all given it a shot. Push through one last year, and if you don’t get it let’s move on to something else. Herpes would be a frontrunner in my mind, for no reason in particular.
2. Science, how come when you put something in the microwave it is hot on the edge and frozen on the sides? If you have an answer, keep it to yourself and use the knowledge to fix the goddamn microwave, Nerd-o.
3. Science, will you please put together a study to prove to Nabisco that the regular Oreos are fine and we don’t need all these bizarre albino cookies or cookies that are hybrid Frankenstein affairs? The regular ones are shit and we are all okay with that.
4. Science, will you take a one-month sabbatical and watch some movies for once? I know you’re busy creating crap like the Magic Jack, but watch movies. Evil clones, doomsday weapons, meals consisting of one pill- this is the shit we are interested in, not a phone with a built-in scanner. Quit sapping together a bunch of stuff into one device and start working on some new crap.
5. Science, will you put these churchies in their place? C’mon, you guys have been fighting them to a standstill for all time, and you just can’t seem to close the deal. My suggestion: gigantic charts comparing what we’ve gotten from science versus religion. Some samples:
Religion: Science:
Rules Cars
Morals that no one cares to follow Drugs
A perennialy bestselling novel Everything fun
6. Science, I read the book Fast Fod Nation about ten years ago, and at one point the author describes going to a factory that makes artificial flavors, uncorking a bottle and smelling the exact smell of cooked McDonald’s french fries. Why the fuck am I eating salads that taste like leafy asshole instead of salads that taste like a rack of ribs?
7. Science, work on the sex to make things a little less weird, what with all the bending over and the noises and shit.
8. Science, I want a bluetooth earpiece that looks like a hearing aid so that I can be listening to my iPod all fucking day and not be questioned about it. I googled the idea and get a shitload of hits for hearing aids that look like Bluetooth headsets. Are you kidding me? So instead of being someone with a legitimate hearing problem you can look like someone with a personality disorder?
9. Science, where are the robot eyes? I want a robot eye, and I want to be able to run fearlessly while double-fisting huge knives.
10. Science, I don’t care about the practical applications. Jet pack. I’s not that hard. Jet Pack.