My little brother, in preparation for the holidays, introduced me to thisiswhyimbroke.com
It’s one of those frustrating web sites that has some awesome shit, the best thing you’ve ever seen, right next to an item that represents everything unholy, stupid, and disturbing about commerce.
Come along and see!
Snuggle Pillow
Uh, this pillow was invented to give one the illusion of snuggling with a human man. A human man in a button-up shirt who was sawed in half at some point. Frankly, I’d rather buy a fuck doll because getting caught snuggling a fuck doll seems somehow less embarrassing than snuggling this thing. I’m a sad guy, but I have my limits.
R2-D2 Trash Can
This is the first I’m hearing that R2-D2 was not originally intended to be a trash receptacle.
Novelty Monopoly Money Tie
Can someone explain to me the situation where it is appropriate to wear a novelty tie? Because if you’re supposed to wear a tie to something, that means it’s formal. But if you wear a novelty tie, it’s now informal. It’s the worst thing to happen to fashion since the tuxedo t-shirt worn to a rock show.
Glass-Bottom Canoe
I’m not so much opposed to this item as I am the way in which it’s being sold to me. How come every water craft or floaty or whatever has to be advertised by a babe in a bikini? I don’t need to be hard when I’m picking out water wings. I really don’t. I’ve gone over the exhaustive list I made of times when it is crucial for me to be hard, and purchasing pool shit is not one of them.
Corn Dog Machine
I already have a corn dog machine. It’s called the Carnival. And the great thing about the carnival is I don’t have to keep it in my cabinets.
Futon Bunk Bed
A couch that converts into not one, but TWO beds? I never thought you could turn a couch into two shitty beds, but you did it. And maybe the futon is a lost cause in terms of quality, but this is at least a step forward in quantity. It’s never been easier to have two drunken friends stay over, one sleeping while the other one lies awake in sheer terror, waiting for his buddy to fall through and crush him.
Baby Carrying Jacket
Yeah, why buy you and your baby separate jackets when you can horrify me by buying this single jacket that makes you look like that dummy who turned into a blueberry on Willy Wonka plus the added terror of a baby head emerging from her stomach?
Labyrinth Aquarium
This would be kind of cool, but I think after a while I would start to feel bad for the fish. They don’t seem to be the sharpest creatures in the sea. I don’t know that fish can cry, but watching a fish weep seven months into the search for the particular bubble he’s adopted as home would be bad times all around.
The Water Jet Pack
….
It’s about fucking time.
This thing is two-fold the best thing that has happened in our time.
First, having any sort of jetpack is a win for science in my eyes, and science wins are pretty rare these days.
Second, even if I never use it, I can already feel the rumblings of a belly laugh when I read the headline “Sophmore on spring break killed by jetpack malfunction at Lake Havasu.”