Today is a level 1. That means you can expect a lot of old-timers to comment on the weather. Best responses include “Well, we need the moisture” or “Weather makes my peep hard so either stop talking or keep going.”
Today is a level 2. That means your car will be pretty cold. We’ve brought in a scientist to explain how cars warm up. Scientist? – Thanks, Steve. If you’ve been wondering how quickly your car becomes warm, there’s a simple equation. If X equals the length of your commute, your car warms up in X – 38 seconds.
Today is a level 3. That means it’s time to bundle up, which means if you’ve been bundling up for the last week, you’re running pretty low on acceptable clothing for work. So here’s to those high school longsleeves worn under a grownup shirt.
Today is a level 4. This means you can try and get out of social obligations, but everyone else will probably go and think you’re a wuss. Also, you won’t truly enjoy missing the event because you’ll be THINKING that everyone is there and calling you a wuss.
Today is a level 5. This means you can begin complaining that work should be closed. You know in your heart you’re fine, and there were no incidents with workers trying to get to work, but still.
Today is a level 6. This means you can have epic fantasies while still in bed about what if there’s a snow day today. There isn’t, but it’s close enough to allow even YOUR hardened, hateful self to dream.
Today is a level 7. This means the men in the neighborhood will be out with their snowblowers several times throughout the day. They only get to use them 5-6 times a year, and they make hay.
Today is a level 8. This is the precise, perfect level. You’re not going to work, but you can still go around to other places and actually get some shit done.
Today is a level 9. This is too far. Now you’re stuck at home. It’s a true snow day, which is awful in its own way.
Today is a level 10. Pizza places are even closed. Essentially, this is ice age.