“Wearing bright green and bright yellow together is a sure-fire way to not regret fashion choices in the future!”
“I accept that looking like Martin Lawrence in drag is my future forever.”
“Everyone else is standing behind this pole. Well, I’ll show these idiots. I bet there isn’t one reason in the world that I can’t stand in front of the pole for forty minutes.”
“Rather than extend the handle on this rolling suitcase, I’ll just grab it and walk bent over like a Quasimodo through the entire airport. That seems about right.”
“I will feel good about myself by tricking total strangers into thinking I’m younger by wearing sunglasses, heels, and white pants.”
“If I grunt while I shit it will make the shit come out better. This is necessary.”
“You know what I’m going to wear, just in case? Cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and high-waisted cowboy jeans. I might need those in the airport at 10:30 PM.”
“Greeting someone with flowers that still have the price sticker on the side is a fine thing to do.”
“Wide-mouthed confusion. That’s what I’m all about, baby.”