Things I Can and CANNOT Do with Guns

CAN:  Point it in the general direction of something fairly close and make a hole.

CANNOT: Carve a cross into the point of every bullet as a precaution against vampires.

CAN:  Remember to turn the safety off 50% of the time.

CANNOT: Remember to turn the safety off 50% of the time.

CAN: Slow my breathing and focus on staying steady.

CANNOT: Breathe out my last breath without saying, “Yippee-kay-yay, motherfucker…”

CAN: Have a sense of respect for the raw power.

CANNOT: Do so without occasionally giggling.

CAN:  Reload.

CANNOT: Reload one-handed while ramping a motorcycle off a highway overpass in order to save one boy who will determine the entire fate of the human race.

CAN:  Make doves flutter away by shooting.

CANNOT: Do so without accidentally hitting one.  John Woo must have a secret dove graveyard somewhere, right?  Or at the least, a whole squadron of stone deaf doves.