Cloth Seats!
REAL cloth?! Wowzers. Wherever did you find such a treasure, such a jewel of the textile industry? And to think that you used this precious material not for a wedding dress for your only daughter, not as a burial shroud for your recently-deceased wife, but to cover a seat for me to back sweat on.
Instructions on Proper Tire Inflation!
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? Do you understand that this is a toy to me? As long as the wheels stay on until I drop the keys in that box, I don’t give one damn about what happens. I’d drive on rims until they were completely squashed ovals before I would check the tire pressure.
Driver-Side Airbag!
Yeah, right. Has anyone tested this? Does this company understand that a sticker that claims an airbag’s presence does not actually make it appear? I feel like maybe they’re going on a sort of religious theory of faith here. Unless someone proves definitively that there is NOT, in fact, an airbag, then there must be an airbag.
Moving Blankets!
These are blankets. Old pieces of insulation. I touched one and it nearly took all the skin clean off my arm. I don’t know what kinds of blankets you all have on your beds at home, but here’s a hint: It’s the wrong kind if you have to wear a doctor’s face mask to bed in order to wake up with lungs free of metallic fibers.
Fuel-Economy Gauge!
I’m driving a huge rectangle. Full of bullshit. Floored. Using my brain as a Fuel Economy Gauge, I would estimate the fuel economy as Not.