Suction Cup Spider-Man
What it’s supposed to do: Stick to a window, frighten criminals.
What it does: Makes you think it’s sticking just long enough that you take your hand away, right after which it immediately falls off the window and in the crack between the wall and the couch.
Inspector Gadget 8-Piece Mega Toy
What it’s supposed to do: Each piece is a toy itself, but when combined all eight toys make one really great toy.
What it does: Each individual toy is total shit, and you’ll never know what the completed version is like because they make 20 billion of the left arm and eight of the torso.
Water Squirter
What it’s supposed to do: A soft, hollow, rubber fish toy or a soft, hollow, rubber guy making a hilarious face like he’s squirting water out of his mouth is squeezed so that it fills with water, then squeezed again to launch a stream from it’s mouth.
What it does: It shoots the most pathetic stream of water, soaking mostly your hand. Also, the water smells like a rubber factory burning down and should probably be rinsed out if it hits your eyes or mouth.
Jungle Compass
What it’s supposed to do: a colorful needle points to magnetic north to help you know which way is north in your room.
What it does: Nothing. Somehow fucking Lewis and Clark had a compass, but McDonald’s can’t make one in 2011. What the fuck? How hard is it? Nothing I hate more than a shitty compass. It’s really the worst toy. It only does one thing, which isn’t that cool, and it doesn’t even do that. Piece of shit.