It has come to my attention that there are serious arguments against masturbation. In fact, a little googling will reveal lots of links about “overcoming” masturbation. And no, that’s no masturbation where you cum way too much. It’s about getting past it. I decided to look at some of their main arguments and give these folks a try.
1. Masturbation is addictive!
According to this one, your body releases chemicals that have the same effect as drugs. They don’t really say which drugs, but I’ve honestly never been so tempted to dry out some semen, crush it up and snort it. But somehow I doubt it’s true. For one, wouldn’t we know everyone who was sucking dick by the fact that they were weaving around, jonesing for their next fix? If there were people desperate to suck dick, NEEDED it, we would have very different ways of life. Also, I think we’ve discovered most of the ways to get fucked up. The fact that someone discovered you can get fucked up by inhaling keyboard duster is astounding. What was some crazed gas huffer doing with a can of keyboard duster in the first place?
2. Masturbation conditions our bodies to respond to self-stimulation, which is self-centered.
Maybe. But an alternative, in this case, would be rape. I don’t think rape is the solution to very many problems. Also, even if you consider masturbation a problem, rape is probably still a worse problem. It would be like solving a small house fire by blowing up the house. The fire’s out, but only because there’s nothing left.
3.Masturbation causes sexual imbalance.
I wasn’t even sure what this meant at first. What they’re saying is that people spend too much time and energy jerking off so they don’t get to bed in time. Shit like that.
For one, I’m not going to be bright-eyed and busy-tailed at work, thinking, “Thank god I didn’t jerk off last night. I’da slept three less hours.” How much time are you spending here?
The only imbalance I could see was my sack, full of a bunch of goo, tipping me over forward when I try to walk.
4. Masturbation causes you to be “mastered” by sin.
Can we knock it off with this shit? Just because a word contains another word doesn’t mean we have to get cute and twist the meaning all around. You can’t spell “rollercoaster” without “coaster,” but I don’t think that means you should be drinking a sweaty glass of iced tea and setting it off to the side in the middle of riding the goddamn Cyclone.
5. Masturbation uses your body as an instrument for sin.
We’re supposed to be using our bodies for righteous shit, not sin. Well, why the dick right there on the front then? Right in arm’s reach. Turtles, yes, I believe are not made to jerk off. I believe that. How would they even begin? But a person, it’s right there, dead center, and your arms reach it perfectly. You even have two hands? What the hell? It’s like a personal threesome every night. That would be like saying god didn’t make the guitar to play rock music. If he didn’t, maybe he shouldn’t have made the instrument perfect for the job.
6. Masturbation defiles god’s temple and grieves the holy spirit.
We are all god’s temples, and he lives inside us all. And it damages that relationship when you jerk off. I think that’s why sometimes it’s a little chunky when it comes out. I think that’s pieces of the holy ghost.