The Little Mermaid
Theme: Sometimes you have to risk it all for what you really want.
Takeaway: Two shells with no visible means of support is considered a bra in the the land of fish men.
Beauty and the Beast
Theme: There is a lot more to a person than physical beauty. For men, at least.
Takeaway: Look, Belle seems like a good singer and everything, and she’s a real smokeshow in a ball gown, but I think living life as a super-strong, badass beast is much more appealing than giving a relationship a whirl.
Snow White
Theme: Friends are more important than beauty.
Takeaway: I can’t really identify with this one at all. Wouldn’t being second-hottest in the world be still pretty good? If I was the second-hottest person in the world, why would I want to fight off a legion of attracted babes in order to kill the guy who was #1? Just don’t live next door to him.
Aladdin
Theme: Power is dangerous.
Takeaway: So wait, the guy has to give up a genie, but now he’s rich, has a flying carpet, a pet monkey, a pet tiger, a hot wife, and is pretty much great? What was he going to wish for at that point?
Pinocchio
Theme: Sometimes the family we make for ourselves is even better than the one we were born into.
Takeaway: Nothing. That whale scared me silly and all I could think about was evil whales for the next five years. Still haven’t been to sea because of that asshole.