“My first book (ish) in my project to read all the stuff that’s been sitting on the shelf for a while in anticipation of a big move.
How long has this one been on the shelf? Technically, not long. Because it’s been sliding around in my trunk for quite some time.
About halfway through, I found a ticket to a friend’s wedding. That friend and his wife are now the owners (nope, that’s not right. Creators? Whatever) of a 2 year-old kid. The wedding is long enough in the past that I have vague memories. I had fun with a couple other friends, although it was clear we were at the peripheral work friends with no sense of humor table. There was some procedure that involved wishing on a rock and dropping it in a vase(?) And I stayed in my first AirBNB, a condo in a complex where there was a hot tub I considered, but eventually didn’t use because, eh, it was in this unappealing room where it was too steamy on the glass, and it just looked jungle-y as opposed to soothing. Maybe some people find the jungle soothing. I do not.
Also, this wedding was on a mountain, and I had to ride a ski gondola up. I got off at the top and started walking around, and I was a pretty good distance from the top before I figured out something was wrong, and I went back to the top and figured out there was a SECOND gondola to be ridden. Not only was this on a mountain, it was only accessible from another mountain. I guess nobody else had this problem. Maybe I should have read the ticket more carefully. That, by the way, is why there was a ticket. I guess I needed a lift ticket, although I’m betting if I’d gotten on in a suit, they’d have figured I was cool.
I do have some wedding advice. Luckily I’m leaving that phase of life where there’s a wedding to be attended every other week, but I know that’s not the case for everyone.
1. Bring a plus one, always, always, always
It doesn’t have to be your girlfriend, fellas. Bring a friend. Just bring someone you can hang out with at a wedding. Sometimes I lucked out and there was somebody else there to hang out with, but sometimes you end up at a wedding and have to make a friend. Wedding friends are like the one-night stands of friendship. It’s fun and all, but you know you’re never gonna see this weirdo again.
2. Bring a flask
Even if you don’t want it, someone will. Trust me on this one.
3. Always stay at the hotel where EVERYONE is staying
It’s super tempting to stay somewhere else (read: cheaper). But you’ll regret it. You just end up drinking and needing a ride or figuring something else out, or trying to figure out when the wedding is over so you know when to not have another beer. But that’s impossible math. When does the wedding end? Who the hell knows?
4. If there’s dancing, just start dancing
Get it out of your system early, you look like an asshole, and nobody else really cares. You’ll have a lot more fun at weddings if you give in and start dancing at them. This is a big thing with dudes. Dudes do not want to dance. We all turn into fucking John Wayne whenever there’s a dance floor, too manly to dance and shit. If you have all your fingers, then you’re not too manly to get up and dance.
5. Open stuff
In the venue, if there’s a weird door, just try the knob. You can basically walk around with impunity because you are an adult and everyone will assume you’re a drunk moron as opposed to a snoop.
6. Formal Wear Sweet Spot
Don’t buy a special getup for every wedding you go to. Get something that works in weddings and other spots too. Guys, this means you get a suit that’s not too expensive for you. By which I mean, you’re not going to punch someone if they push you into a pool. Ladies, this means wearing a getup you’ve already gotup, or instead of doing something totally new, adding some layer to it that makes it new enough. Again, nobody cares about you. It’s not your wedding.
7. Eat before you go
There will probably be food, but don’t count on it being good or plentiful. I went to a wedding where I ate mashed potatoes that had a hard, crusty surface that was difficult to penetrate with a fork. Don’t show up hungry and then be surprised if that’s how you leave too.
8. Games
Add some games to the mix. Games like, “If you had to pick someone at that table to be your new best friend, knowing nothing about any of them, who would you pick?” Or play a game where you tell everyone you work at a completely different job. You’ll never see these people again anyway. Why not tell them you work at Chuck E Cheese?
Well, that’s it. I wanted to get to an even 10, but fuck it.
Good luck. “