It has come to my attention that this bullshit is still be happening.
Let me be the first to say, I know there is no such thing as a war on Christmas. You know how I know? Because if there was, I would sign up for that immediately. Because, come on. Hand grenades shaped like Christmas ornaments? Bringing in wounded with shards of sparkling golden glass in their eyes? It’s pretty much the best.
Now, my stance on it isn’t really so much religious. I have my beliefs, but I’m pretty sure those beliefs are stupid. This was a revelation to me. I spent a lot of my time thinking about how stupid everyone else’s religious beliefs were. Then I thought about how it’s impossible that I’m the only one who got it right. So now I’m in the same category as everyone else, the Dumbs. The one difference being that I prefer to acknowledge that I’m very stupid and that no one should listen to me.
My war on Christmas is based on two factors.
Factor the First: What goddamn maniac decided that we should have two gigantic turkey meals per year and that those meals should be one month apart? My theory is that this guy either needed to unload a shitload of turkeys from his cousin’s farm or he was nearing the end of his life and wanted to squeeze in as many turkey meals as possible.
Factor the Second: Can’t every holiday be on a Friday or a Monday? Seriously, why are we celebrating Halloween in the middle of the fucking week? New Year’s? That’s got Friday Holiday written all over it in sparkles glued to a cone hat by semen.
So I guess my big issue with Christmas is mostly about when it happens, and I’d like to see that change.
It turns out that Fox News has this lovely map depicting spots where the War on Christmas is on, baby! And check it out, the war is right on my doorstep here in Colorado.
Clicking the little marker, which is a red balloon with a picture of Jesus and his folks in a manger, I got the full story.
It turns out that a school was doing a charity drive for a religious-based organization as a yearly thing, and this year they stopped.
Well that seems terrible. What could a person object to when it comes to charitable giving?
Hmm, okay. How about the reports that this particular organization forced aid recipients to sit through a half hour prayer meeting BEFORE they got aid? I love that. How is that a win? Sure, you got people to pray, but come the fuck on. That would be like me saying that I forced someone to give me a handjob at gunpoint. Sure, I got the handjob, but I wouldn’t be hopping to change my relationship status on Facebook right off.
Not bad enough?
How about this one, the president of the organization saying that Islam is “a very wicked and evil religion”? Oh, okay. Meanwhile, this company president, who also works for another “charitable” organization drew a salary of 1.2 million dollars. For which he prayed, so it’s cool, everybody.
Soooo…so far, War on Christmas is a little disappointing. I mean, yeah, it’s hard to find a good charity these days, right? How come I can’t give money to breast cancer without Susan G. Komen putting it towards branding and putting pink ribbons on all my cereals? Am I eating the wrong cereals? Because I feel like I’m eating all the breast cancer ones.
Or you give to the red cross, then you find out that whole thing is fucked. Who even knows what happens to that money?
Anyway, just evil fucks doing evil shit and calling it Christmas. But still, not the action I crave. Stay tuned. We’ll find something good.