It’s not a commonly known fact that the Unabomber’s brother is the one who busted him. He read the Unabomber’s manifesto in the newspaper (which was published because the Unabomber threatened to bomb some other shit, which is a good lesson in marketing to aspiring writers out there looking to make an impression) and recognized the style (again, beginning writers, having a strong narrative voice is important). After that, it was only a matter of time until cops were pulling a bearded weirdo out of a shack. Job well done, boys.
Below is what I imagine would/will happen when/if I end up in a Unabomber-type situation and my brother is turning me in.
Dear Officers,
I fear the worst, and I’m having trouble writing this. My pen is shaking as I write. I’m not actually writing, but typing, but I hold a pen in one of my hands and click the button because that’s how nervous I am.
After reading the short diatribe in the paper, the one attributed to the man who isn’t named yet, but is charged with blowing a bunch of Pearl Vision stores in malls, I suspect that the…suspect might be my own brother.
My brother, after things didn’t work out with his ninth wife, with whom he was living in a pipe at the park, has moved to a different part of the park where some reports say he’s been sleeping in a sculpture. I have reason to believe these reports as his spine had a pronounced curve the last time I saw him.
He has also exhibited some strange behaviors lately. For example, killing kids at the park. Guess I should have mentioned that before all the sleeping in the park stuff.
What really clued me in here was the letter from the paper. It has a lot of his hallmarks.
First of all, the typos are just lazy. It’s almost like he wrote it on the spot, possibly even while listening to talk radio as it seems to trail off into an unrelated diatribe half way through for a few brief lines.
Also, the outdated slang such as “Bodacious,” “Rad,” and “BombA$$” are somewhat of a signature.
Finally, the section in which he talked about playing laser tag sounded exactly like a story from our youth. I remember that Lazer Zone, and I know what he means when he says that the tokens seemed to be cheaply minted.
Anyway, if you want to discuss this further, just give me a call.
Sincerely,
The NEW Unabomber’s Brother.