“Ah, yes. The reasons behind exercise. Or, as these tales are more commonly known, The Stuff of Nightmares.
Look, nobody wants to hear about why you exercise. Unless you’re Matthew Inman and you can draw hilarious pictures. If you’re him, then do whatever the hell you want. You make grammar and spelling fun. Ain’t nobody like grammar, but you manage it. You’re a magnificent basturd.
There was a section in this book that cataloged some of the people who go to gyms. We had fatsos, skinnysos, fitsos, girlsos, and weird fake tan girlsos.
This is really the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the public gymnasium rogues’ gallery.
Allow me a few additions.
*FAT-RIPPED GUY*
This is a man who has huge arms and the gut to match. By which I mean a huge gut. I guess those things don’t really match. Damn it.
I’m not sure how this look is achieved, but it’s almost like someone wearing a turtle shell under his skin, from which bulbous biceps emerge. This man is to be avoided. He will want to be your friend and critique your form.
*PHONE GUY*
I see no reason to take a phone break while I’m here. I have to rest between sets anyway. Might as well make use of these emojis.
*GUY WHO DOES TAI CHI THAT SPANS THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE GYM AND BECOMES IRRITATED WHEN ANYONE DOES ANYTHING THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY GET IN HIS PATH*
Kinda blew the story with the headline, but fuck that guy.
*WOMAN IN BLACK TIGHTS*
I’ve not perused the ladies’ fitness section at Target lately (ever), but I’m starting to be concerned that this is the ONLY option available on the retail level. I’m pretty sure you’d have to special order regular sweats, by which I mean ones that don’t have words printed on them. Or walk 5 seconds over to the men’s section, I guess. I don’t know if everyone is aware, but you can totally buy clothes from the other sections and no one will stop you.
*MAN IN COLLARED SHIRT AND HOMEMADE CAPRI SWEATS*
This is only one dude, but his attire is so wildly inappropriate that it’s far more distracting than the omnipresent tight pants. This man is capri-ing his own pants for the purpose of…I don’t even know why.
*OLD MAN IN JEANS*
I smell like this all the time. Who gives a shit?
*12 YEAR OLD DIPSTICK PLAYING ON THE TREADMILL WITH HIS BUDDIES*
This always works the same way. Stand around, giggle in that way young boys do, and then crank the treadmill up to full speed, which the kid can accommodate for four seconds. Then, jump off and drag your shoe on the belt because noises. Then depart, making sure that there isn’t a square inch of the locker room floor that hasn’t been spackled with smashed Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
*WEIRD, OLD CRAZY MAN WHO MUTTERS TO HIMSELF, TURNS OUT HE’S THE LONE SURVIVOR FROM HIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASS AFTER HE STAYED HOME FROM SICK THE DAY THE BUS WAS HIT BY A TRAIN AND EVERYONE WAS KILLED*
Yeah. For real.
*COUPLES WHO STRADDLE EACH OTHER AS A FORM OF “SPOTTING”*
Because nothing’s sexier than that line of taint sweat left on a chair by your partner.
*COMMANDER*
Lady who points every fan towards her and changes every television she could possibly view to the same channel. Basically putting herself in a wind tunnel that has Fox News.
*GUY WHO POINTS OUT YOUNG GIRL AND EXPLAINS THAT SHE LIFTS AS MUCH AS HE DOES*
Hard to tell if respect or creepy.
*GUY WHO, TOTALLY NUDE IN LOCKER ROOM, ASKS ME IF I THINK HE LOOKS FAT*
Just creepy.
*PHANTOM WHO LEAVES HEAVY PLATES ON EVERY BAR IN THE PLACE*
They say he died in the steam room and has decided to get his revenge via clutter.
*GUY WITH FULL GALLON JUG OF WATER*
I forgot to mention that this gymnasium is located in the exact center of a desert.
*WOMAN WHO FLIPS THROUGH MAGAZINE WHILE PEDALING NONE MILES PER HOUR ON STATIONARY BIKE*
Going nowhere slow while finding out how Blake Shelton is possibly dealing with divorce. Must be tough.
*GUY WHO OVEREXERTS AND FORCES URINE BACK INTO HIS BODY, GETS TERRIBLE INFECTION*
Uh, me. “