My girlfriend doesn’t really follow me online, so I feel confident making announcements here.
Don’t worry, this isn’t like a “thing.” I think a day of Pete goes a long way, so whoever spends time with me in real life doesn’t really need to spend time with me online. From time to time I’ll be with someone and they’ll be like, “That thing you were talking about in real life, I heard you talk about it on a podcast.” And I’m like, “Yeah…my life is commoditized content now. 2020 forever!”
Anyway, I made a gift purchase for my girlfriend, a Christmas gift.
We were watching X-Files, and Scully was staying in a motel with Magic Fingers. One thing they got right in X-Files was shitty motels. They stayed in some real dumps.
Anyway, then Mulder shows up and takes over the bed because Scully has to go do science or something. Whatever, you know how this goes. He uses the remainder of her Magic Fingers time.
All this talk about Magic Fingers had Poonmaster Flex asking about just what the hell Magic Fingers was.
I’m young enough that I don’t think I ever stayed anywhere that had Magic Fingers, but I saw it a lot on TV. It was a 90’s thing, I guess, that a crap motel would install a quarter taker by the bed, and for a quarter a thing under the bed would vibrate for 15 minutes.
I think the 90’s was a pretty obsessive time about massage-adjacent things you could do without actually getting a massage. Like those weird chairs in the mall that you could sit in, or those other weird chairs that had a vibrating footplate. Whatever the ailment, someone was there to offer you a quarter’s worth of vibration to cure it.
It’s also possible that Magic Fingers were pretty much just a sex thing, like you were supposed to turn on the MF’ers and then get busy on a vibrating bed. That’s got to be one of those things that sounds like a great idea, but at the end of the day, meh? That might be the single most sure sign of aging, you stop thinking about the extra toppings you can put on sex so much and you’re like, “You know, vanilla sex, pretty alright!” You don’t think about shit like putting mirrors on the ceiling or melting a Twix on someone’s ass or whatever.
Maybe that’s offensive to people who melt candy on each other. Hey, I got no problem with it. I just have a full-time job.
All that to say: I bought my girlfriend Magic Fingers on eBay.
I’m not sure how it came up in my eBay searchings. I don’t surf the Dark Web, but I do frequent what I might call the Poorly Lit Web. This is stuff that’s totally legal. It’s more just a question of why. Why would anyone want to investigate the feasibility of making their own holiday blow molds? How often does a genuine piece of Aggro Crag show up for sale online?
I found Magic Fingers through this stumbling behavior, and it’s even the genuine version where you add a quarter and everything. I looked at some other, cheaper models you just plug in. But that’s really not the same experience.
I’m fully expecting:
- This will smell like cigarette.
- This will have been crawled upon by a roach.
- The quarter machine will need to be thoroughly sanitized.
What I’m HOPING is that PM Flex actually remembers her desire to try out Magic Fingers. Also that I haven’t completely misinterpreted what she was saying, and what she really wanted was to be able to leave the house again and see things LIKE Magic Fingers out in the wild. Have new experiences, even if they aren’t exactly, specifically, Magic Fingers.
I’ll report back on the gift’s success, both as a gift and as a mechanical object. Wish me luck.