Most of you probably already know about the above ad. Certainly anyone who has read a comic book between the years of ever and now. If you’re not, the basic premise is this:
1. Nerd brings hot babe to the beach.
2. Ripped Dude kicks sand in their faces.
3. When Nerd asks Ripped Dude to stop, Ripped Dude threatens to beat the living shit out of nerd.
4. Woman insults nerd.
5. Nerd, fed up, orders Charles Atlas plan.
6. Nerd gets ripped.
7. Nerd punches out Ripped Dude.
Well, let me tell you, as a guy who has tried everything from penis pills to other penis pills to penis pills that are advertised only in Japanese-language magazines and are likely made from animals that would bring a tear to an Indian’s eye if he saw them ground up and dusted over a dick to try and get a boner, most of the stuff advertised doesn’t really work.
For one thing, this story doesn’t really hold together. What was a hot babe doing with a nerd at the beach anyway? From her perspective, it doesn’t make sense. Maybe this was written as a screenplay while using a Timescope to peer into the future and see that a perfect movie had to be written for DJ Kwals, but that just feels unlikely somehow. And from the nerd’s perspective, the whole beach thing doesn’t make any sense there either. If you’re a nerd and you somehow score a date with a hot chick, you do not take her to the beach. Sun, partial nudity, presence of other ripped dudes, and swimming are all nerd date kryptonite. Do you want to ask a hot babe you have somehow tricked into spending an afternoon with you to rub sunblock on your skin, the very same skin that is covered in acne so plentiful that there’s no way to manage all of it for an afternoon, even if you just focus on the whiteheads? Hell no. You take her somewhere dark, like the movies or some kind of underground factory.
Okay, so now it’s time to get ripped. You know what would be a really bad place to consult for advice on that one? A comic book. Consulting comic books would result in you attempting one of the following to get ripped:
-Getting viciously attacked by an animal of some kind.
-Wandering the desert until you come across an alien who gives you powers.
-Hanging out by a nuclear reactor and drinking Mr. Pibb.
-Drinking everything in a chemistry lab.
Suffice to say, less than three of those methods actually work.
And finally, the revenge.
Assuming that it takes at least three months to get ripped, and assuming that beach season is no longer than three months, this guy waited an awfully long time to punch out the Ripped Dude. At least nine months. In nine months it’s mostly likely that Ripped Dude knocked up some broad he shared Coronas with and their baby is a solid month into ruining his life, according to my math that says the baby would pop out a month early at minimum due to the inferior genes that would attract a mate to someone who spends his day kicking sand at nerds.
Not only that, but if someone threatens to punch you, you have to take it up a notch. I want to see this motherfucker’s spine ripped out, Predator style.
Overall, the ad does th job. Who doesn’t dream of usurping a beach bully and becoming the new beach bully, kicking sand in people’s faces, throwing towels in the surf, and doing whatever else it is that bullies who don’t sell drugs do? But let’s face it, if I get ripped I’m not beating up people at the beach. I’m beating up people at the art museum. More money, more wussy, and it really feels like one shirtless dude could overpower the entire building and rule it as his own.
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For people who may have been recommended this blog, I apologize. Here is some quality blogging at TheBloggess.com