I write columns at LitReactor. I’m a columNist (you can tell a true columnist because they hit that N, just a little, when they say the word out loud). I end up doing about one every week, but it varies depending on how weak my pitches are and how tired of me the editor over there is. Usually the best word to describe the first condition is “varyingly” and the word for the second condition is “pretty.”
Let’s take a look at my last 5 columns. These are 5 columns I’ve written over there, and number 4 will blow your mind. Assuming you’re pretty stupid and average facts and ideas will blow your mind.
In this column I make a case for Amazon not being so bad. Well, they’re still pretty bad. But they’ve done some things for the book world that cannot be denied.
Frankly, I think the book world is dying. Maybe it’s just my passion for it, but I think we’re witnessing the slow death of the book. Forever it was the most convenient way to spread ideas from place to place. Now it’s definitely not. It’s not the cheapest, simplest, or best way to spread an idea.
It’ll take a long time to die. You can still buy vinyl even though that’s only useful in a very limited setting. But if we can kill the gas-powered car in 20 years, we can certainly see the book die off as well.
Whoa, watch for whiplash!
In this one I painstakingly put together TWENTY-SEVEN indie bookstores, and it seems almost no one gave a shit. It’s too bad. There’s some really cool stuff, like Quimby’s offering to put together zine packages. I also didn’t list it on LitReactor, but John K. King in Detroit has something signed by HITLER.
Oof, thousand-foot view, having those two things in all caps looks super weird. I’m not necessarily endorsing buying something signed by Hitler, but it’s interesting to look at and not something you see every day.
You should take a look at this one. Even if you’re not buying some shit, there’s some armchair travel aspect or whatever.
I can’t believe I just said armchair travel. I’d rather talk about Hitler some more.
This one is all about gimmick covers. There were some pretty sweet ones.
I had to cut out a whole bit about Bitch Factor, a book that was on the rack at Safeway back home when I was a kid, and I was fascinated by it. One, you could put BITCH on a cover. Two, I fantasized about doing a book report on it, and being “forced” to use the word bitch a lot.
I looked up the description, and it’s even better than I imagined:
Houston bounty hunter Dixie Flannigan is a legend in the jails and courtrooms for her combination of brains, cunning, and macho style. But she’s about to learn that there are limits to even her toughness.
Parker Dann, accused of killing a child in a drunk-driving accident, is a bail jumper, fleeing the prospect of a long prison term. Dixie tracks Dann to the wilds of North Dakota and has him safely cuffed and shackled in the back of her Mustang, when a massive Blue Norther blizzard hits.
It will take every ounce of Dixie’s Superbitch abilities to get them back to Texas in one piece, preferably before her bitch facade cracks…and before she starts believing that Parker Dann–drunk, child-killer, and bail jumper–is innocent.
So much to unpack, so let’s just leave it at Superbitch abilities.
From time to time I think about reading it, just to close that chapter of life. But sometimes I think that maybe Bitch Factor is better in my imagination than it is in real life. Sort of like if you go back and watch a great show from the 90’s and you’re like, “Eh, maybe not as great as I remember.”
Bitch Factor has a 3.7 out of 5 on Goodreads, and I can tell you it’s way more than a 3.7 in my heart.
I can’t be the only one who’s sick of virtual events. I have a band I love, and I’ve bought tickets to their events without even going. It’s just not the same. There are a few things, like concerts, bars, and author events that just don’t work online. I think there’s a necessary in-person component.
But that’s me talking after like 10 months of COVID shit, so who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind once I’m vaccinated and immune and possibly grow 6 extra legs or whatever because, damn, that sure happened fast.
Real talk: Are people afraid the vaccine will, like, kill them? Won’t it, at worst, give you COVID? It’s not going to turn you purple, right? That seems unlikely.
But what do I know? I’m just writing columns for funsies.
The submission process is pretty fuckin’ stupid. If I wanted to do a job interview, I wouldn’t be trying to get paid to publish fiction, numbnuts. That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of what I want to do.
When I was looking for examples, I found most publishers had terrible web sites that were terrible in one of two ways.
Way One: Just a shitty site. Where am I supposed to go? What am I doing? How long has this been “Under Construction?”
Way Two: A clear answer to the form versus function debate: FORM ALL THE WAY! On a lot of these, it seemed clear that SOMEBODY took a Lynda class and was pretty hyped to show off their skills. Where the first wrong way was like walking into the early 2000’s, this one was like walking into a website that was generated by a computer hooked up to HR Giger and interpreted his dreams into a site of some kind.
That’s what I’ve got for you from the last month or so. Stay tuned for next month. And the month after that. Jesus, would you just read this shit so I can keep getting work?!