“The Gigantic Beard that Was Evil”

“This is a hugely popular book right now. And I can see why. There’s lots to like here. It’s a modern sort of fable, which seems to be a story style that still strikes a cord with lots of people.

It feels just a little like the kind of book that I’ve called NPR-y in the past. It’s a comic book, but it’s safe for adults. It’s one of those comics that grown-ups can read and it’s safe because Terry Gross probably interviewed the author or something. Not really a slam or anything. But somehow, I feel like books like this just get a boost from that crowd. Or maybe that’s just the case of a book finding its audience, which is a good thing.

It doesn’t seem to apply too much in this book, but are we over being really into beards yet? Is that over?

I feel like I heard a lot about Movember last year, the time we celebrated November by growing a mustache to remind everyone about men’s health issues. Which, to my understanding, consists of balls stuff, dick stuff, and prostate stuff. Right? Is there other stuff that men can get that women can’t? I feel like that’s most of it. Most of the parts that are different.

The reason I ask, how are people supposed to dress to signal that they want to be left alone?

There was a time that a tattooed, bearded, pierced guy in a leather jacket was a guy who you did not fuck with.

And now, the tattooed, bearded, pierced guy is wearing an apron and working at Starbucks.

The nerd in the Dragonball Z t-shirt that used to be black but now had a white coating from how many times it’d been washed, that person was social poison a while ago, but we’ve since decided that nerds are cool.

This is a weird angle on the idea of acceptance, but when we accept everything, what becomes of the person who isn’t looking for that acceptance? Or actively looking to get away from it?

I mean, I understand that tattoos don’t make a person a bad person. But my question is, what can a person do to be left alone, if that’s their preference? What are the signals?

I tried to come up with some options. And here was the only criteria: David Beckham wouldn’t look good in it. Seriously, I don’t know why fashion designers are allowed to advertise with David Beckham. The dude looks good clean cut, and he looks good in a jail cell in a blew out wife beater after he’s vomited all night. When you have a well-proportioned guy with a handsome face, surprise, it all works. So that’s what I went with. What would work, and what wouldn’t look good on David Beckham? What happens when you Google David Beckham fashion mistake?

And all you get is clownish stuff. White man cornrows. Doo rags. Denim on denim on denim. Leather pants. None of this stuff is badass, just silly.

I think we might be screwed, fellow introverts. Our aesthetics have been co-opted. We’re going to have to invent something new. Or just do what I do and pretend to be deaf.”