“Hey, the Vulture is back!
So while I was reading this, I started thinking. Does anyone fight more crusty old guys than Spider-Man? He’s got the Vulture, whose thing is being old and bald as much as it is the ability to goddamn soar above the rooftops. How horrible is that? You’ve got these superhuman abilities, but every time you’re busted the story goes, “You know, that old guy.”
Then you’ve got Silvermane. A super old guy who sometimes has a robot body. It’s like the opposite of normal anti-aging surgery. Just concentrate on the body, leave the face a wrinkled mess.
Funny enough, Silvermane was voiced by Paul Winchell, who you may know as Tigger in Winnie the Pooh. You might also know him as Dr. Input from the Jetsons, Dick Dastardly from Yogi, or possibly some other thing that doesn’t sound gross. Surely he did one or two of those. “Fleabag”? “Rumpley’s Dad”? Nope, all sound horrible. All is lost.
Morlun? Well, he’s supposedly about as old as everything that ever existed. Give or take. Not to mention that “Morlun” sounds like an old guy. An old guy whose car you DO NOT use as a backstop in the neighborhood.
Is it a sign of the economy? That people are working longer and longer into their golden years when they would normally be retired? Should the Vulture have hung up his wings long ago, called the Bosley Institute to look into some hair and called it a life?
Because it’s getting sad.
If I may.
A few times I went to a stand-up open mic night. And it was alright. Well, it was terrible. But when you have low expectations your basement of terrible is dug deep.
The other folks were okay. But there was something really hard about the older guys. It’s easier to be forgiving of someone young who is terrible.
For all I know, these old guys were going up for the first time. And they weren’t a lot worse than most of the others. But it was almost like…like you were watching them and wanting them to do better because you were thinking, “Buddy, you don’t have a ton of time to get your shit together here.”
It must be like that when Spider-Man busts the Vulture. He must be thinking that in all this time, dude hasn’t graduated to Real Threat status. He’s not even a consistent member of the Sinister Six! He’s there sometimes, but not always. Not as many times as he should be for being a veteran. Being replaced in the Sinister Six, it’s gotta be like breaking up with your girlfriend and then hoping when you see her out that her new boyfriend sucks. Sucks so bad that you have to resist the urge to smile when you meet him. “Oh, your parents own a laundromat and let you make a living selling Fritos next to the industrial dryers? Wow. Between that and your appearance, it’s no wonder!”
The Vulture should hope his replacement is, I don’t know, Kangaroo? Big Wheel? If it’s Sandman, he’s thinking, “Ah, shit. That guy’s pretty awesome.” If it’s the Rhino, he’s thinking, “Well, can’t say as I blame them.” If it’s Mysterio, that’s like the replacement boyfriend being an artsy douche, but he’s actually kind of talented and that’s pretty annoying.
Anyway, the Vulture should consider retiring, I think. Not because he’s old. Because he’s old and that makes me sad.
“