Unbeknownst to him, Pete sired a son several years ago. He thought he beknownst that this was impossible without engaging in sexy sex with a lady, but he beknownst nothing. After a multi-city tour informing high school students about the dangers of not having sex being about the same as having sex, he came back home to raise his son, Dum-Dum, and has started a Daddy Blog about his experiences.
Hi everyone in blog land!
I know, you’re probably all sick of reading these Daddy Blogs. Typical stuff, right?
Actually, I googled Daddy Blog the other day. There is some other stuff out there, but it’s pretty weird. Not very instructive on raising kids unless you choose to raise your children with weird bondage gear and stuff like that. We don’t do that in our home. That’s pretty big on the No list.
I’m told some people have a No-No list. We also try to only say things the once. That second No is superfluous and unnecessary. It’s not like the word No only means Kind of No, so a second one is needed to make sure we’re all aware. Just the one No is plenty.
Lots of people think bad stereotypes about stay at home dads. That we cook and clean and don’t do man stuff. Sort of like being Mrs. Doubtfire but without dressing in drag. I really think that’s part of the problem, too. People were cool with the DF because she was all in drag, so if you thought you might fuck her, it was cool. But when people see me with my son, and they assume for a half second that I might be a woman and go to check out my butt, they get all pissed because that butt is on a man’s body, which includes a penis of sorts. They HATE it.
Why does that always happen in those movies? There’s always a guy in drag, then there’s another guy who DESPERATELY wants to bang the guy in drag, although he at least claims that he thought it was a woman. It’s not like Robin Williams made for a real fuckable granny. Not like some of these ones you see. Even if she was a woman…no thanks. She was a little burly for my liking.
Anyway, let’s talk parenting for a minute.
I’ve seen a lot of stuff about autism lately, mostly because I have a Google news alert for Jenny McCarthy. Laugh all you want, but she was still getting naked when her kid was, like, 4. One time she was in a lab coat but with nothing underneath. I think maybe that was the beginning of her love of science and why she’s so good at science now.
I read some of the stuff she said. I kind of thought it was erotica at first. I kept waiting for it to get sexy. I mean, it was a little weird at first because she kept talking about her son and how she was noticing he had weird behaviors and stuff. I kept waiting for her to go to a specialist who turned out to be a sexalist and then it would all make sense, but that never happened.
So, because it took me a really long time to figure out that she wasn’t going to write erotica, I learned some stuff about autism, and I started to think, Maybe Dum-Dum is autistic. Maybe that’s why he sucks so bad.
The kid is alright and everything. But c’mon. No job, no motivation. I ask him all the time about chicks, and he doesn’t say anything. Granted, I didn’t score a lot in elementary school either. But I at least knew enough to lie to my father about it so that he could get really weird and start sweating and run out of the room and lock himself in a broom closet and crash around in there doing god knows what for a few hours.
So, I decided to look at some online quizzes.
1. Does your child respond to his or her name?
Hmm…well, no. I mean, maybe. I don’t know what his name ACTUALLY is. We’ve just been sticking with the whole Dum-Dum thing because it’s good for a laugh. Well, I laugh. Then he usually cries. Then I laugh again, so I guess it’s good for TWO laughs.
2. Can your child explain what he or she wants?
I think I already explained that I’m not one of these typical loser dads who does things like dress in drag and listen to what his child wants, thanks.
3. Does your child follow directions?
I don’t give him too many directions. I like for him to find his own way as much as possible. Like when I had him drive me home from the movies. Yes, I did make him wear a cabbie’s hat. But no, I didn’t tell him the best way to get home, or even A way.
4. Does your child, at times, seem to be deaf?
Ugh, tell me about it. Only whenever I ask him about moving into his own place sometime soon, how that’s coming. High five!
5. Does your child fail to point or wave bye-bye?
See, this is like the no-no thing. We don’t double up like that. He has never waved bye-bye because that is not a thing. He waves bye. I’ve seen him point at things. Mostly he does that with his cane. He got that after he took a fall off the roof. I don’t know how the hell he got up there, but he managed to hang onto the gutter for a really long time. I couldn’t say how long it was exactly, but long enough for me to go, Hang on, I’ll get you something soft to land in. Then I ran inside and filled up a dixie cup with water and set it underneath him on the ground and laughed and laughed. My whole body hurt from the laughing by the time he fell, so that’s a really long time.
6. Does your child throw frequent tantrums?
If he does, he’s doing it in the Cave of Infinite Silence. That’s what we call the hollowed-out refrigerator I picked up at the dump. I think he likes it in there now that he can get the door open by himself once he’s inside.
I hit Get Results and it said that DumDum might be autistic. Ah, shit.
I went in the living room, and he was playing with the Ring of Teeth, which is what I call the Dustbuster I took apart so you could see this weird spinning motor. We mostly dropped worms in there to grind them up. Or I did, anyway. DumDum never really got into that. Probably because, you know, he’s autistic.
But when I got over there, I saw him forcing a small baby mouse into the whirling jaws of the active motor. Just like his daddy used to do a few weeks ago before he got bored and the motor started to smell like burning worms. And you know what I thought to myself?
The Kids Are Alright.
Was Julieanne Moore topless in that one?
Of course she was. She must have been. She’s topless in everything.