Dear Grandma,
Mom said I had to write this letter to thank you for buying me the Dennis Nedry figure from the Jurassic Park movie. With so many great choices of toys in the store, guys with grappling hooks and dinosaurs where pieces of their flesh peel off to reveal damage, I can only imagine the thoughts that went through your old mind when you decided to pick this character. You are very unique, grandma.
Your unique choice of picking “Newman” has resulted in a lot of playtime options for me and my friends. Sometimes we play “the part where Newman died and he was fat and stupid.” Other times we go for “let’s play Newman where he gets killed by one of the little kids from Jurassic Park.” I tried to squeeze in a game I invented called “Jurassic Park Stories: the True Fate of Newman” where it turns out that the man he was working for was a good guy and Newman manages to save the embryos and escape on a jet ski. Instead, we mostly play “let’s go jump on the trampoline and anyone who has a Nedry has to just watch and yell apologies, which hopefully we can hear from these ecstatic trampoline heights.”
I tried to color in my Nedry with permanent marker so it would look like a Batman. It didn’t work, and everyone said that it just look like Newman after the acid-spitter dinosaur spit the acid in his face. Ricky from down the street said he couldn’t tell it wasn’t a Batman until he said he saw Nedry’s “fat ugly bitch” showing.
Anyway, I hope that some people from Seinfeld are in movies soon because then I can at least make new Seinfelds, which I don’t fully understand because I’m 8, but it can’t be much worse than this current quagmire I find myself in.
Cheers,
Pete