“You can change channel on all TVs to whatever the fuck you want. Is great?”
“If you’ve ever wanted to watch a middle schooler fuck around on a treadmill turned up to full speed, yet never be rewarded by him being terribly injured, you’ve found the right place!”
“I’ve found this to be a great place to work out with my daughter and watch very strange men look at her in horrifying ways.”
“The male balls in the locker rooms are aged to perfection like a specialty cheese. And with the same odors!”
“Never have I gotten the chance to so often wonder if a child actually even has parents or if he’s been abandoned here and living off floor Funyuns for the last two years.”
“The workout music here really gets my blood pumping. From the bullet holes after I shoot myself in the goddamn brain.”
“Nobody minds if you take the one floor fan, point it directly on yourself, and turn off the oscillation, wafting your own weird eastern european musk across the entire floor.”
“The stink of the jagoffs playing roller hockey who don’t feel it necessary to air out their shit turns any workout into an anaerobic situation. Great training for morgue work!”