“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Volume 8: Northampton”

“I thought this was a good time to look at some of the TMNT action figures from my youth.

Mutagen Man:
“Victim of Krang’s insidious experiments, Seymour Gutz woke up from a lab table only to find himself hideously transformed into Mutagen Man – a pathetic, dripping, ever-changing mutating monster. Confined to a mechanical life support system that holds his mutating body together, Mutagen Man is now dependent on Ooze to replenish his deteriorating form. Forced to do Shredder’s bidding in exchange for Retromutagen Ooze, Mutagen Man reluctantly performs dastardly deeds to get the substance his body so desperately craves.”

Mutagen Man looked totally disgusting and was so awesome. It was my first experience with body horror. You never forget your first…revolting take on the human form.

Mondo Gecko:
“Mondo Gecko and the Turtles make funky freestylin’ friends. Teenager to the end, Mondo’s got his brain jammed into Michelangelo’s frequency. They’re both party dudes – and that makes for a totally awesome twosome. With braces on his tubular teeth and cream on his mutant zits, Mondo Gecko chomps and chews on butter beans and rips through the sewer pipes, ready to crash and thrash the Foot.”

Definitely the Poochie of the TMNT world, which, by my count, had at least 2-3 Poochies at any given time.

Metalhead:
“The chrome-plated sewer servant’s eyes light up when you hold him up to the light. Always the life of the party, Metalhead can whip up a whipped cream and jelly bean pizza, serve sodas, display video games or rock the sewer with tunes from his jazzed-up juke box. When trouble’s brewing, Metalhead becomes one annoyed android and dishes out trouble with his Robo-chuks and Foot Blaster to all who dare mess with his Turtle masters.”

This toy had an exposed brain. Which I never questioned, even though he’s a robot, and where you would find a brain to put inside a robot turtle body is a pretty big question mark. But the best thing about this was, for a brief time, my younger brother decided to “be” metalhead, which involved him putting his head down and running at you, using his head as a battering ram. This was not very effective, except on an unsuspecting adult, who’d most likely get a blow right to the crotch.

Pizzaface:
“Shredder’s crazed culinary creator – had a plan to become the most powerful pizza chef ever. So he zapped himself in his Retro mutagen oven, hoping the energy would bake him with badness. But the hungry Turtle Teens burst into the parlor and pulled Pizzaface out. Now this half-baked bozo wants to get even with the Turtles for foiling his formula. All the Turtles wanted was a large pepperoni to go – but instead they got part pizza and part Pizzaface! Possessing the power of the pizza pie, Pizzaface is the ultimate Turtle nightmare: traveling from parlor to parlor, he terrorizes the Turtles, trying to turn them into tasty teen topping. Armed with flying pizzas and a Pizza Box Shield, this peg-legged pizza piper follows the Foot Clan, even though he’s only got one good leg. And what’s worse? He delivers.”

There’s a lot to unpack here.

First of all, using mutagen to become the greatest pizza chef ever is…odd, but hey, I guess the TMNT boys are arguably the best turtles, in terms of having the greatest effect on the world, so maybe there’s something to it?

But “possessing the powers of the pizza pie”? Roof-of-mouth-burning action, I guess?