It’s October. The time of year when I feel a certain love is in the air.
Mainly, the love of going to the pumpkin patch without people thinking I’m a bizarre pederast.
So, lol, this is my singles ad for the month of October.
I’m a SWM. AN SWM? I don’t like how this A/AN thing works with letters when the letters mean words. It’s bullshit.
I fall into the category of SWM. HAHA!
I’m currently seeking….well, an anything.
The thing is, I needs me some pumpkin patch. This is the only way to have Halloween. If you’re buying pumpkins from that cardboard little thing outside the grocery store, you’re out of your goddamn mind. That’s where pumpkins go to die. Also, how many stores put valuable objects OUTSIDE the doors?
What I need is someone to go with me to the pumpkin patch. Because a guy who is 29 (and holding!) alone at the pumpkin patch doesn’t look right. Add in adult braces and a very stern, serious opinion on what makes a good carving gourd, and you can pretty much call the cops as you pull into the dirt parking lot.
Now, this isn’t a one-way road. Pumpkin patch never is. So I’m prepared to offer things in return based on who is willing to go with me.
W4M
This would work out pretty great. Unless you’re planning on it being a date. In which case I apologize in advance because I’ll probably be very focused on the pumpkins, their size and orientation, and also any activities available at the patch. And questions. What the hell do people do with that red corn anyway?
That said, I can do my best. I can also give what I call the “Boyfriend Experience” where we hold hands, talk about indie rock, and generally make everyone sick with the good time we’re having.
I can also provide what I call the “Long-Term Boyfriend Experience” which is similar except that our tones are snippy and I will be more openly critical of you, in general.
M4M
This is not something I’m very experienced with, but again, I think it could work just fine. I’m not very hairy or fat, so the bear thing is out if that’s what you’re looking for. But I am fit, and I AM willing to get a haircut at a barber of your choosing prior to the Patch. So I can do the clean cut thing if that works.
MW4M
Third wheel. Not something new for me. Basically, you can trust me to just run off and buy pumpkins. Your primary responsibility in this case would be to prevent me from purchasing more that $1500 in pumpkins, weird corns, and commemorative Patch t-shirts. In return, I would provide a sense of wide-eyed, childlike wonder that makes an excellent gateway conversation to having children, having MORE children, or solidifying the decision to NEVER have children.
WW4M
I promise 100% not to ask questions about the lesbian lifestyle, if that’s what you prefer. Again, I will be mostly interested in the pumpkins. I don’t know if social tolerance has shifted to the point where lesbians feel like they need to have a straight male friend in order to prove that they’re cool with all different groups. I kinda doubt it. But hey, be the first!
MM4M
We could go with you as a couple and me, or we could go as a trio. Make me part of your trifold brochure of love. I don’t care. Pumpkin Patch!