Despite the title that I just realized was a horrible idea, this isn’t an article about sex in a public bathroom. It’s an article that compares sex behavior to the behaviors one should adopt while shitting in public.
Sorry for the messy confusion. And for those that are even MORE enticed by that, welcome. You weirdos.
I’ve noticed something that bothers me a bit lately. For whatever reason, it feels like the last couple months have been a terrible journey for me in terms of bathroom stuff. I don’t know why this is happening or what I’ve done to anger Montezuma, but every time I go in the bathroom, there is a man taking a shit.
Now, this isn’t a problem most times. People take shits. It’s a thing. Just like that book. Everybody Poops. And once you’ve read that, you can graduate to Everyone Occasionally Has A Violent Diarrhea That Turns the Toilet Bowl Into a Twirl-A-Paint Nightmare. I’m not a person who has any illusions about the need to shit.
What I do think we could work on, gents, is the way we’re shitting in public.
By the way, I assume ladies are in the same boat. I know there are lots of thoughts about gentlemen pissing wildly in the streets or wherever suits them, but I think that shits are the great equalizer. Ain’t nobody standing to shit. I don’t care how big your dick is. The only thing is, barring a couple accidental walks into a women’s room, I can’t speak with authority about what goes on in there other than to assume it’s about the same. Equality, right?
Let me make an awful but necessary comparison.
There are different ways to have sex, and different situations that are appropriate for each.
You can have wild, loud, crazy sex. You can have discrete, quiet sex. And then several kinds in between, but let’s focus on those two for the moment. And let’s take a quiz.
Read the following scenarios and decide whether it would be better to have the quiet or the loud kind of sex.
+You are in your own home, no kids or whatever around.
+You are staying the night at your parents’ house for some reason.
+You are drunk in a Vegas hotel room.
+You are at a quaint bed and breakfast with paper thin walls.
Pretty straightforward.
I’m going to now say that people also take two kinds of shits. Loud, grunty, panting shits, and quick, discrete shits.
And people, public is not the place to take your grunting, hard-breathing, truly athletic shits.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to the bathroom lately to hear a man…I don’t know even know what he’s doing. I’m not entirely sure what Crossfit is, and maybe this is what’s going on in the stalls. But I’m pretty sure it’s just loud shitting.
I ask you, is it really necessary to be grunting, panting. Even letting fly a little “Guh” from your lips?
Sure, sounds from the lower opening of the digestive tract, those can’t always be helped. I understand. I also understand that a lot of times, if you’re taking a shit in public, it’s because the situation is desperate enough that you couldn’t make it home.
But I implore you. We’re not in need of the added sound effects. There’s plenty to go around. It’s not a powerlifting contest. You don’t need to do this.
This is how it’s like the sex thing. At home, feel free to grunt away and go nuts. In public, maybe see if you can’t get the deed done with a goddamn modicum of discretion.
And I suppose this article does sort of apply to sex in the bathroom stall. Discretion is the better part of valor. Whatever valor is found when you’re entering someone in a bathroom stall, that is.