The last three days there’s been a Reebok Crossfit Games on the TV’s at the gym.
First of all, congratulations to Crossfit for landing a sponsor in Reebok, America’s…I’m going to say eighth-favorite shoe? Maybe it breaks into the top five if we’re a little more strict about the shoes being athletic shoes?
Anyway, you have probably heard of Crossfit. And you’ve probably most likely heard about it from someone espousing the wonderfulness that is this new, hardcore way to really lose weight, get shredded abs, strengthen the core, all that great stuff.
Basically, I have six problems with Crossfit:
1. It’s just another fitness trend, and it will fade away too.
I’m sure it works. Because you know what else worked? Tae Bo. And Insanity. And p-90X. Who could forget Zumba? Or Cardio Kickboxing? I remember when Boot Camp classes were all the rage. And Pilates. What happened to Pilates, the fitness revolution from…somewhere not America. There was a time for Sweatin’ To The Oldies and then there were Buns of Steel and somewhere in the mix we’ve got weird pole-dancing workouts somehow. And who could forget Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu studios opening up all over, which came about ten years after everyone was doing Tae Kwon Do, and five years before that it was all Karate? And hey, let’s throw Tai Chi in there for good measure. There are, by my count, 1,400 different varieties of Yoga. There’s spinning class. I saw two Nordic Tracks and one Tony Little Gazelle at the thrift store this weekend. It’s endless.
Just because it’s not permanent doesn’t mean it’s bad. But it does mean that you should take care if you’re going to be very serious about it. Special shoutout to the lady I saw with a Zumba tattoo, not even kidding. Which brings us to…
2. Proprietary Systems Are Always Suspect
Crossfit is not just a style. It’s not like “powerlifting” where anyone can engage it in using a variety of techniques. It’s a specific, prescribed program, and more than anything it’s a franchise.
Yep, just like a McDonald’s or a Wendy’s, Crossfit is a business that makes money by letting other people to its business. Once you’ve completed their level 1 training (for a fee), and once you have a web site and a gym already, you can be a Crossfit gym by paying…Mr. Crossfit $3K/year. I would just like to take a brief moment to point out that in Colorado it’s legal to be an unlicensed, non-degree-holding therapist. So it costs more to maintain a Crossfit gym than to council someone. Makes sense.
The reason I call bullshit on the whole franchise business is because no one can answer the question of who invented the pullup. You know why? Because when the pullup was invented, it was way before everyone thought that every little tiny thing should be copyrighted because it’s better to deny everybody else something on the off chance that it might make you a buck later.
If Crossfit invented a bunch of shit, if they invented the pull up, the bench press bench, the squat rack, the SQUAT itself, I’d be more willing to hear them out. But they’ve just taken stuff people do already and mashed it together.
3. Drug testing at the Crossfit Games
Seems a little light. Read for yourself these posts on Crossfit’s own message board.
The thing is, I don’t really care so much about athletes doing drugs. I think it’s dumb, I think it’s bullshit, but I also think that until someone gets serious about it, which they won’t because sports are not serious, it’ll always be designer synthetic drugs and hormones and procedures outracing the tests.
But yeah, just in case you didn’t read the forum posts, the gist is they do a piss test at the regionals and the Crossfit Games, which means you could use just about any performance-enhancing drugs or techniques you want all year just so long as you pee clean 2 days out of 365.
4. Crossfit Games Do Not Use Weight Classes
This is just plain stupid.
Let me explain the purpose of weight classes in strength sports.
If you are two feet taller than I am, barring any sort of dramatic genetic problems, you will be stronger than I am. Even if we engage in the same workout regimen and work equally hard, you will always be stronger than me. The reasoning is simple. What can do more work, a longer lever or a shorter one? What can lift more weight, quadriceps designed to hold up a small body or a larger one?
When you’re talking about Olympic-style lifting, which is a lot of what Crossfit does, you will never be able, as a person of a certain size, to perform as well as your larger counterparts. They just have more weight to throw into their movements.
So I guess it’s a matter of opinion. Maybe it’s not a problem to only watch the people who are the absolute best, regardless of their natural size. However, when we’re talking about how that translates into the gym, it doesn’t work for me.
5. Kipping
Kipping is the term used for the way that Crossfit-teers get themselves over the pullup bar. You know how they flop like fish and just sort of cycle through pullups? That’s kipping.
Everyone does this in exercise. Think about the times you’ve run and been exhausted. You push your arms, your legs kick out crazy, your head might even roll around on your neck. It’s all you’ve got left, and it’s good to get to that point sometimes.
But not all the time, and it’s most certainly not good to start every exercise with the form you would use on your very last repetition.
I’m not a certified trainer by any stretch. But I will tell you this. The easiest way to stay healthy and avoid injury is to just think about what you’re doing, take it slow, and don’t do anything stupid. There’s a reason gyms are covered in mirrors. If you look really stupid, you might be doing something stupid. If it feels plain wrong, for the love of fuck, stop.
As an analogy, it’s the difference between biting into an onion and a rock.
Yes, biting into an onion, like a good workout, might not feel great, and it might not be your idea of fun. But using your mind and experiences you’ve had before, you can bite into that onion and know how to use your jaws, pull away a piece, chew and swallow.
Kipping pullups are like biting into a rock. It feels wrong. It looks wrong. Everything about it, the taste, the mouth feel, the hardness, tell you it’s wrong. And ultimately you’re headed for some longterm side effects.
6. Crossfit Commercials
The entire time the Crossfit Games are on, you’re also seeing Crossfit commercials, or commercials clearly targeted at fitness people.
These commercials are the lowest. They prey on what every fitness trend preys on. In one that I saw probably eight times, a happy gym owner tacks a thank you card to his bulletin board after his gym closes, a thank you from a slightly chubby participant whose life is surely on the brink of changing.
C’mon, guys.
Enough with this fitness as lifestyle bullshit. It’s why people don’t like fitness people. They assume it’s your whole life. We don’t put this negative stigma on people who read. I assume people who read might also enjoy beers and concerts. I assume people who enjoy baseball might also enjoy beers and concerts. I enjoy fitness and also beers and concerts.
Exercise, and do something you like. But fuck me, don’t make it your whole life. Really, don’t. It’s not a good life.