After getting a decent forearm sunburn that made me look like some kind of lobster man, or maybe a regular man with very embarrassed forearms, I decided to look into some sunburn remedies. Some were more effective than others.
Aloe Vera
Well, it turns out this is just some vile weed that grows out there…somewhere? Does anyone know where this shit is coming from? Also, it’s a gel. I don’t use products that are gels. That idea is bad, and that word looks wrong.
Shaving Cream
Well, that’s just stupid. Plus, how am I supposed to resist shaving my forearms when they are covered in shaving cream? Now I can look burned and mannequin-y. Fabulous.
Vitamin E
Apparently this is supposed to be taken as a preventative. Dum-dums, if I had the thoughts in my head that let me prevent shit, I wouldn’t be googling shit. Nobody is starting their google search with “prevent”. They all start with, “Oh balls, what do I do…”.
Vinegar
Do you ever get the feeling that the internet is fucking with you? Just seeing what you’ll try? It’s like hiccup remedies. Tell him that the hiccups go away if he smokes a cigarette through his nostril and then gets in his car and crashes it into a ravine.
Ice
Thanks for that one. Now that I know the opposite of hot I can carry on.
Baking Soda
There are two kinds of people in the world. People who use baking soda for goddamn everything, and people who do not trust it because it looks an awful lot like cocaine, but is most assuredly not cocaine. Let me reiterate: if you rub baking soda on your gums, you will not feel euphoric and happy and alive for even a brief period.
Milk
If you have the guts to cover yourself in milk, I applaud you. Also, I don’t know the exact math on this, but I think milk is about as expensive as gasoline, so enjoy buying enough to fill a bath tub.
Honey
So somebody just went through the cabinets here? And anything that benefits bees is something I’m against. I’ve said it a million times. We have nature on the ropes now. Why are we backing off? This is our big shot to show nature who is boss. Bees are definitely not boss.
Rubbing a Tomato on the Skin
You know what that’s also a remedy for? Your dad being calm and collected because he didn’t waste eight bucks on tomatoes that some fool just rubbed all over his grotesque body.
Oatmeal
Quaker propaganda. Ask any Quaker how to do something, I guarantee they’ll say, I know a trick for that. Spoiler Alert: the trick is always oatmeal.