Get a load of this headline:
Sun Chips noisy biodegradable bag gets tossed
There are slow news days, and then there are days when time almost stands still.
First, I would like to call out Frito-Lay, makers of Sun Chips, for being huge gigantic pussies. Do you know what I would say if someone complained that my new biodegradable bag was too loud? I would scream Fuck Off in their ears so loud that they would never have to worry about hearing anything on the level of a chip bag, motorcycle, or brass band ever again.
Seriously, what are you doing that requires a quiet chip bag? Chips are, by nature, a loud food. They are crunchy, and covered in flavor dust. So here’s a tip: Don’t eat chips if you’re shooting for quiet. Who was complaining about these bags? Ten year-olds trying to hide their late night snacking from MOM? Anne Frank? Who the fuck needs to eat chips and also be quiet?
And how loud were these bags, really? Was it like someone lighting off a stick of goddamn dynamite? Was it like an 80’s rock video where someone bit into a chip and blew out the entire living room wall? What the hell is wrong with people? Either their ears are so delicate that they can’t possibly tolerate life in a human environment, or they are so goddamn picky that the worst part of their lives is that Sun Chips are now in a marginally louder bag. MARGINALLY! If a chip bag was 400% louder, do you think I would notice? No.
And it’s not like they did it just to be assholes. They were attempting to sort of do something nice for the world. Maybe those bags were a little extra crunchy now, but you know what will be a little bit annoying in the future? A billion goddamn Sun Chip bags littering the streets because they’re made out of a weird foil that was designed to protect rocket ships on re-entry and is not designed to degrade ever.
Another annoying thing is that there are 4 million solutions to this problem that don’t involve tweeting about a sonically overactive piece of packaging and take far less time than complaining about it:
1. The TV remote has a volume button. Just turn it up three notches.
2. Pour out the fucking chips instead of reaching in over and over like a simian.
4,000,000. Shut the fuck up.
And that’s the real key. Shut the fuck up. The bag was fine.
What I can’t decide is who the real losers are here. On the one side, you have idiot jagoffs who would take the time to complain about the noise produced by a chip bag. This is an object the size of a fist that doesn’t produce explosions or internal combustion. It’s for holding chips, not stuffing inside your fucking pillow case. People who would actually think to complain about this are such fucking pansy losers that I can barely wrap my head around it. You know what else is loud? Guns! Fireworks! Rock concerts! Everything awesome! Some motherfucker is sitting back in his office chair, reading about the bags being pulled off the shelves, and thinking, “All my hard work. Finally, the world is a better place.”
On the other hand, maybe it’s the Sun Chip people who are the assholes. Why does every company from network TV to tobacco to Frito-Lay back down from the slightest pressure? Take a fucking stand for once. Say, “Hey, you don’t like it? Eat Doritos, which we also make. Or Cheetos, which we also make. Or Lays, which we also make. If you’re eating a chip at Subway, we make it, so do your worst.”
The truth is that both sides are total losers. One side for being assholes, the other for bowing to assholes. In conclusion, please stop complaining about dumb shit that doesn’t matter. Are you still going to die someday? Do cops still give you bullshit tickets for doing nothing and ruin your entire day? Do you still wish you were a billionaire? Alright, so maybe take care of some of that other shit. But also in conclusion, stop doing what dummies tell you to. Remember that story about the dude who was traveling with a donkey and everyone kept telling him how to do it right, and eventually we learned that you can’t please everyone? Well there’s a reason that a man who can’t make a decision about a donkey is travelling via donkey as opposed to private jet. The way to not please everyone is to immediately decide to not please dum-dums and go from there.