Everyone have a seat.
After last night I can see why they decided it was time to get some new management in here. That was utterly despicable.
To start off, can I have all the security people stand up?
Yeah, you can all stay standing and then start walking towards the door because you are fired. Beyond fired, super-fired. Not one wrestler even made it into the ring without another wrestler jumping out from somewhere and hitting him with a chair. I don’t even know why we pay you, to make sure a kid in a wheelchair doesn’t ask for an autograph too aggressively? Anyway, you get the hell out of here.
Next, who was that second wrestler? Yeah, you. What the fuck was that outfit? I get the Speedo and the tall boots, but you can’t wear a t-shirt over the top of that. You just can’t. I can just barely see that you’re wearing a Speedo under there. You look like someone’s little sister at a slumber party. Knock it off with that. Shirtless or pants, not shirt and no pants from here on out.
Announcers, I’m putting in a requisition to get you a real table as opposed to a card table. That’s ridiculous. However, you need to dress in suits. I don’t need one guy in a cowboy hat, one guy in an Affliction t-shirt, and one guy in a tie. Everyone in suits. You shouldn’t be dressed like the wrestlers on their day off. You’re on goddamn TV, you’re on goddamn TV.
Is anyone licensing all this music I was hearing? I know Drowning Pool probably isn’t very busy these days, and a lawsuit might be a better source of revenue than album sales at this point.
Lastly, I’m doing away with the belts. Not one sane pair of pants in this whole crowd, not one belt loop did I see on the entire show last night, so we’re losing the belt. We’ll get something else. I don’t know, sweat band? We’ll figure it out.