Ah, staff day. A day filled with learning.
As per usual, let me round up some information I learned today as a public service.
-Breakfast burritos can be eaten over your lap just so long as you are crammed in a room with other people and tables are mysteriously unavailable. Also, it is preferable to eat in this fashion jammed in with everyone as opposed to eating breakfast at home like every other goddamn day when you eat a bagel over the sink in your shitty apartment and wonder how bad of a car accident you’d have to get in to have the rest of the day off.
-Coffee is best served in gigantic urns that are completely unwashed, scalding hot all around the outside, and with drippy spigots that drop brown stains all over the floor or, alternatively, on a tasteful crappy towel set on the floor.
-The most important part of doing stuff is to have your executive director then repeat everything you did back to you with a program that, though technically not powerpoint, has all the same boringness and also was running far too slowly on the computer to transition smoothly and have any real purpose.
-What the executive director is up to is both mysterious and not worth talking about in a half hour presentation.
-The best place to house a large group is in a building which has 1 men’s room that can accommodate one man at a time.
-If you’re going to get paid $40,000 to do some work on demographics, you are not going to blow people away by telling them that it seems like things are going pretty good and there’s very little for you to do. It’ sort of like when a rock star says, “Are you ready to rock…DENVER!” and you’re supposed to cheer. It’s sort of like that, except I’m not drunk, having fun, interested in what’s happening in front of me, or thinking about much except how fast I could die from blood loss if I managed to grab a whole handful of pens and jam them in my thigh.
-Folding chairs will never be comfortable. It’s physically impossible, I guess. God forbid they have, I don’t know, a quarter-inch of padding for my precious ass.
-There is a thing called the cloud. It’s where all the computing happens. You’re already using it constantly, so there are a lot of reasons to learn about it. For example, if you wanted to completely redo your email and calendar spending hours of manpower for a “free” system that’s more comfortable and less secure.
-Stuff in the cloud isn’t owned by you. So all those emails to your step grandpa, the ones you were going to turn into a hilarious book, might not belong to you. Or they might. Who knows?