Hey man, listen. I really appreciate the interest, and also your outfit is really a good one of those. Unfortunately, I am interested only in women. I know, easy mistake to make. I get asked all the time. ALL the time, believe me. But don’t let it bring you down, and I DO support your fight for equal rights for the time being.
Dear Rich Corporation,
Though I appreciate the interest in advertising heavily on helpfulsnowman.com, and I do mean HEAVILY and for a boat-ass-load of cash, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I am doing quite well financially based on my work on the site, and I feel that changing the pay structure much would really interrupt the trust thing I have going with my tens of loyal readers. Thanks again!
Oh geez, this is embarrassing. The thing is, I’m sort of already married to someone really great, a lady who is currently serving overseas. Not one of the many gross ones either, one of the rare hot ones with undamaged personalities. But thanks, and I am going to put you in a queue of potential marries. And because you took it so well, tell you what, I’ll bump you up to number seven.
Wow, Harvard. I never thought I’d be writing to you, let alone writing back to you to let you know that I don’t think I can accept an honorary degree. The thing is, I feel like giving someone an honorary degree is a little like having a wedding for your cats. They’ll keep right on peeing in the basement despite one day of weirdness, which is not so much an analogy as an explanation of my prediction for my post-degree activities.