Good Evening,
It has come to my attention that there are those out there who feel that futons are appropriate items. Below are a few rules I would like us all to observe regarding futons as my cries to remove the futon from furniture stores have fallen on ears deafened by…I don’t know. Bargains?
Rule 1: Don’t buy a futon
I know, it’s a stupid rule as the rest are regarding what to do once you already have the futon. I just want to make it very clear that you fucked up here.
Rule 2: A futon is never to be moved
Just yesterday I saw a truck with a futon and some other furniture in the back. A futon is not the kind of furniture that needs to be moved from one place to the other. That’s why the mattress is large, unwieldly, and yet less comfortable than your average twin bed coated in carpenter ants. It’s not meant to be moved. Wherever it goes, it stays.
Rule 3: Never say that someone can crash at your place, referring to the fact that you have a futon.
This will be a disappointment. Yes, it’s pretty cool of you to let someone crash at your place and possibly vomit in an old football helmet, which was the closest available receptacle of the moment. But look at it this way. When you throw a dinner party, it’s about the guests. It’s not about you having fun or showing off. It’s about them. Same deal. When you offer to let someone crash, make it about them. Don’t torture them by saying they can say, then gesturing at a futon with a “ta-da” hand motion, eyebrows raised, waiting to hear how excited they are to sleep on a large slab of lumps wrangled into a casing, which is peppered with the world’s largest buttons.
Rule 4: It is not okay to have sex on a futon.
Again, it happens. People have sex everywhere. On a train in New Jersey, I looked out the window and in the woods was a beat up couch with the delightful moniker “Fuck Couch” spray painted across the back. Just know this: If you tell someone you had sex on the floor, it sounds wild. And where there’s a futon, you better believe there’s a floor. If you say you had sex on a futon, someone is likely to ask if Fuck Couch was already occupied or if there was some other problem that led to these desperate measures.
Rule 5: Once ANY liquid is spilled on the futon, get rid of it.
Just take it as a sign. Sometimes cat urine is god’s way of saying, I don’t think you should be hanging onto this thing anymore. Other times cat urine is just a cat’s way of saying, I’m full of urine. Or, I don’t care for your lifestyle. Cats are more mysterious to me than god, is the summary here.